Taking a Break

Spring Break starts today for my kids.  Funny thing is, doesn't change things much for me -- I’m still on the longest break from work that I’ve had since starting my first job at 15.

Twenty-two years ago, I couldn’t wait to start working, making money.  I donned a brown polyester uniform and began waiting tables at the Koney Island Inn where my sister worked.  From there, I had a lot of job titles – Wench (waitress in a wench’s costume), Student, Chinese Linguist, Interior Designer, Marketing Professional.  Over those two decades, I’ve been blessed with the ability to move between jobs without major gaps.  I’ve never had trouble getting a job, until now.

Being out of work brings about such a wealth of conflicting emotions:

• Freedom – I finally have time to do all the things I always wished I had time for.  Yes, I can sleep in, nap and take that 9:30am Spinning class.  Yet, I can’t really enjoy them.  I feel like I should constantly be looking for a job.
• Lack of purpose – I was proud of my job and my income.  Losing that and going without a replacement makes me feel a little lost.   
• Lazy – If I sleep in or take a nap, I feel like I should be getting up and doing something.  If I’m not looking for a job 24/7, I feel like I should be.  
• Lack of worth – I question my abilities and skills.  Why aren't recruiters calling and why am I not getting hired?  Why didn’t AOL want to keep me?  
• Indecision – My initial thought was to return to what I know…online marketing, but the thought of actually taking some of the jobs that I’ve applied for or commuting long distances is nauseating.  After being off for over a month, getting back into the 9 to 5 grind isn't really all that appealing.  But I don’t have the luxury of being able to stay home, so I know I must go back and not be picky.  Ugh, I hate feeling cornered.  
• Mooch -- I’ve always paid my own way and never relied on someone else to pay the bills.  I have trouble accepting being a stay-at-home Mom (will write another post on that topic).  I hate that my not working is eating into my family’s limited safety net.

As I read through my post, I hear all the 'shoulds' and feel all the guilt.  I always say that guilt is a useless emotion, yet with myself I’m ok with it?  And I'm trying to see the positive in this experience...the greater life lesson.  I know the fates are pushing me in a new direction and I am listening, but the process is hard and upsetting.

Taking a deep breath, I resolve to truly take a break this week and enjoy the time that I would normally be working.  I am thankful that I can spend the time with my kids and will focus on that.  Next week, my search resumes in full force.

Job "Loss"

I didn't lose my job. Saying I lost it makes me sound responsible for its disappearance. Sadly, I had very little to do with my being cut. My performance reviews have always been stellar. No, this was a financial decision wrought with political angling and corporate chess play. Thankfully, I am mature enough to realize that businesses makes most decisions based on the bottom line, but that doesn't take any of the sting out it.

On January 12, after ten years of service, I was informed that as of February 26, I would no longer have a position at my company. I am grateful to my boss who secured those extra six weeks, unlike most of my 1,500 colleagues who were also laid off but had to leave that day with their belongings and just four weeks of severance. A good friend of mine who had no clue that her job was in jeopardy had worked for the company for over twelve years. She got an email that morning and by 2pm, she was no longer an employee. Boy, working in corporate America can be rough.

I wasn't completely shocked when I heard I was being laid off. I knew the odds weren't good -- 1 in 3 employees would be cut. I had even been hit before - same company, in 2008 - so I thought maybe lightening wouldn't strike twice. I was wrong and at the end of this month, I will be joining the 15 million other Americans without jobs.

Even though I didn't really love my job, I have mixed feelings about losing it. I am well paid and eliminating my income, especially with four children, is terrifying. But more than the financial implications, it was my realization that I was deemed unnecessary and not valuable enough to retain. Like I was trash that the company left on the curb. Don't they know how smart I am? Don't they know of my incredible talent?

Losing your job is an assault to the ego. Having people look at you with pity. Packing up your personal photographs and papers. Security guards roaming, as if you were a criminal. Walking out with all your belongings in a box.

And talk about a balance killer. My typical calm, steady emotional state is all over the map. My days are random and unstructured. I'm sure there is a life lesson in here somewhere and I look forward to figuring out what the heck it was after I've replaced my income and am comfortably back in a routine.