The Pool Dilemma

I am not a water person. I can swim, I just choose not to. So this time of year is always a challenge -- how do I navigate the pool season with a seven year old without having to get wet?

My Dad will tell you that he still has scars on his back from my childhood swimming lessons. As far back as I can remember, I have feared water. Getting tossed around as a toddler by the scary “bumps” (my childhood word for waves) probably didn’t help. I don’t even like it when Ruby is in the bath tub.

I have become my Mother in the pool. Swimming with my head out of water, trying to protect my not-natural-but-wishes-it-was blond investment. Hair is just one obstacle. Contact lenses are the other. Being blind without them and unable to open my eyes underwater with them, makes swimming rather mundane. I end up standing around a lot hoping none of the little rapscallions splash me. Yet my biggest problem with water is the temperature. I love hot tubs or overheated pools. It is just the frigid ocean or unheated pools that I’m not a big fan of. I’m cold from the minute I walk in until I’ve dried off completely…and I’m typically cold to start with. Yes, even when it is 85 degrees, I’d rather sweat than get into the water. I have the nickname Kitten for a reason…unless I am roasting, no water for me.

I tell people about my aversion to water and they say “Aren’t you an Aquarian?” Yes, I am. But Aquarius is an AIR sign. We pour water, not swim in it. Ruby is a Pisces and loves the water. Thankfully, I have not tainted her with my fears and lack of enthusiasm.

Don’t get me wrong, I like being near water. The beach is one of my favorite places -- sitting on the deck gazing out at the ocean with a pina colada is just divine. And the feeling of water and sand squishing through my toes is one of my favorites. Just please don’t force me to go in.

I never wanted to be one of those moms who wouldn’t play. You know the type – sitting on the park bench while their children run around. On dry land, I love getting out there and being active with Rubes, but at the pool I’d rather just sit on the side dangling my feet. Sadly, this approach typically results in a steady drone of “play with me” and “why aren’t you coming in?” I think the best tool in my anti-pool arsenal would be to make sure Rubes always has a friend to swim with. But even then, I can’t truly relax. If she is in the water, I feel this mother bear instinct to be nearby. My eyes don't leave her for more than a few seconds. I'm guessing that even when she is 19, if she swimming, I will be on alert.



For the past few years, my pool season solution was Bob. Another Pisces, he is my swimming savior. I sit on the side, getting sun and keeping my feet in to stay cool while he plays games with Rubes, tossing her around, letting me off the hook. No such luck this summer. I feel his absence everywhere, every day, but especially at the pool.

This year, I guess I’m stuck sucking it up and getting into the dang pool. Sometimes, I’ll even get my hair wet, which will result in pure joy on Ruby’s part and will have her talking about it for days like I achieved some great feat. This is a sacrifice I will make to keep my girl happy. I know there will come a day in the not-too-distant future when she doesn’t want to swim with me at all. When that day comes, I'll be sad (for a moment) and nostalgic, while lounging on a poolside chaise nice and dry.

Thoughts on Day 1

I am sad but relieved.  Now that Bob is gone, there is no more anticipation.  He is just gone and now I do what needs to be done.  It is like when you are told you need surgery…the days leading up to the surgery suck, but once you have the anesthesia, all is fine.  Numb, I feel numb.  Thus, this post is just a stream of consciousness.

As I wrote on Facebook earlier today, the deployment needed to begin so that I could start focusing on the end.  Now, if only I knew when Bob would be returning.  Then we can start counting the days backward.  

Oh and back home in Ashburn, we’re off to a rockin’ start.  Little parking lot fender bender tonight by our teen driver.  Welcome to single parenting Koren!

The house was exceptionally quiet today.  All the kids are gone.  Ruby is at Dad’s and the teens are out.  John is working.  Much needed alone time for me to decompress.   I went to the gym at 6pm to distract myself from Bob’s absence.  Usually he would come home on Friday night and we would be snuggled on the couch, watching a movie while he rubbed my feet.  Need to get me one of those foot massager baths.   

Miraculously, my neck is better today, post-workout.  Was it just stress?

It hit me as I left the gym tonight that what I will miss most are the little things.  As I drove off, I had this urge to call Bob to let him know I was on my way home.  No joy.  And when the kids and I got home from Norfolk this afternoon, I had to unpack the car and carry the bags inside.  Bob treats me like a princess and I am spoiled. I’ll certainly appreciate it even more come December. 

I feel strong. Strong and numb. I am determined not to wallow.  I’m sure people will get tired of my sappy whining.  Heck, I’m already tired of it and I’m the one doing it. 

Lastly, I am so very thankful .  Partially for email, a gift from the heavens.  I had two emails waiting for me when I got home from the drive back.  How amazing is that?  In the good ole days, spouses wouldn’t hear from their deployed mates for weeks.  And I get an email within hours?  Lucky me.  But mostly, I am thankful for my incredible network of friends and family.  Support and love abound.  I am blessed.

Proud with a Good Dose of Envy

I am heading to Norfolk this morning to say goodbye to my husband as he and five thousand of his fellow servicemen deploy to the Gulf with Carrier Strike Group Ten.  In true military fashion, I don't even know when he'll be home.  Before Christmas is about all I have right now, but I am hoping for before Thanksgiving.

I am filled with a wealth of emotions...

Loneliness -- Bob is my partner, my lover, my husband and my best friend.  I am dependent on him physically as he rubs me down at night and mentally as he supports my unemployment woes and parenting dilemmas.  My Mom (a highly independent woman), would probably argue that I am overly dependent, but I know that my heart is safe with Bob.  I have let down my guard and have been rewarded with a connection so powerful that at times, we don't need words.  Bob is my rock and I will miss him terribly.

Sadness -- The image of me waving goodbye on the pier set to Come Home Soon by SHeDAISY  keeps playing in my head.  A summer alone with the kids.  Foregoing our annual Duck vacation.  Kids' birthdays celebrated without Dad.  I know this is the Navy life, but I can't help feeling melancholy about it. 

Freedom - Yeah, I said it.  And Bob knows it too.  Being alone ain't all bad.  The fine balance a couple finds by accommodating their other half can be thrown to the wind temporarily.  I control the thermostat!  And although Bob never interferes with my Aquarian need for me time, now I can study and workout without the seductive draw of spending time with my sweetie.  Yes, this is me trying to find the silver lining in this cruddy deployment cloud.  I will happily give up all these freedoms the second Bob steps back on that pier later this year (well, maybe not the thermostat control).  And how much freedom can one really have with four kids and two dogs? 

Fear -- I guess I have a naive false perception of safety since Bob will be embarked on the carrier for majority of the time.  I am not completely panicked like I would be if he was an infantryman in Afghanistan.  I don't know how those families cope.  At least we'll have email and some phone connectivity.  That all being said, if a day or two goes by and I don't hear from him, expect me to be a complete wreck.  I am not religious, but I am asking and will keep asking the fates for Bob's safe return.  I cannot imagine my life, my family, without him.  He is our big toe.  

More Fear -- Not for Bob's safety, but for my sanity!  Job hunting + summer break with four kids (ages 20 to 7) = craziness.  Thankfully, I've had the last year of geobatching (Bob in Norfolk during the week, home on weekends) to prepare me for this. 

Envy -- Bob loves what he does.  He will tell you he was born to drive ships, but I think he was born to lead.  I envy his passion and his unwavering commitment to what he does for a living.  He actually enjoys what he does and it is evident when he is in his element.  I've never had that (although I am finally on the right path).  I also envy his ability to venture out on this exciting journey.  Yes, I know it would not be possible without my support at home and no, I would not want to live on a big ship in the middle of the ocean for months and months, but it is still hard to be the one left behind.  I continue with the same old day-to-day, while he gets an exciting adventure. 

Excited -- Bob uses deployments as time to refocus and detox.  He typically loses weight and adopts healthier habits.  I am eager to see what this deployment brings for him and his overall wellness.  

Proud -- Above all, I am proud.  I love my Navy man and all that comes with it.  This is what he does, what we do.  His career is masculine and primal.  I sometimes lose perspective when he is at home doing laundry or cutting the grass, but when I see him being saluted by junior officers or see him commanding a room with his presence and wit, I am reminded that my man is the Commodore.  My fundamental feminine ways get all aflutter thinking of him being in charge (and wearing his hot, blue camis!). 

I've often said that I think the pre-deployment will likely be worse than the deployment.  Anticipating Bob's leaving is harder than him being gone.  I can't say I'm eager for him to leave, but I am ready.  So at 9am tomorrow, I will wave goodbye, knowing that on Saturday morning we will be one day closer to him being back home where he belongs.

Top 10 Things I Learned on My Spring Cleanse

On April 22, I started a 21 day cleanse, primarily to break my dependence on Coke Zero and Trident Pina Colada gum.  Of course, I hoped to lose a few pounds in the process.  Three weeks later I have no desire for my former vices, and I've lost 5.5 lbs. Improved sleep and elimination, as well as clearer skin and a positive vibe were all benefits, but I also learned the following:   

10.  A break is good for the body and the mind.  The past few months have been pretty stressful, so I am thrilled that I took the opportunity to take a mental breather and just focus on sweeping out the old, making room for the new.  Also, I've been working out hard for years with only a few consecutive days off.  My body was pooped and I needed time to regroup and recommit.  After three weeks of yoga and easy cardio, I am craving a tough workout, ready to get back to my old faves of Spinning, Stepmill intervals and heavy lifting.

9.  Bikram is really, really hot and isn't like any other type of yoga I've ever done.  When I went to my first class, the instructor asked me if I had done Bikram before.  I responded proudly, "I've done Ashtanga and Hatha yoga."  His response (in a catty, bitchy tone) was "oh, then you haven't done Bikram" and he was right.  That first class was tough and it truly felt like a sauna in the room.  Sweat poured, which I loved for the detoxifying benefits.  I like being warm, but when one of my classes hit 120 degrees, it was a little much for me. I kept thinking, now I know what a chicken feels like in the oven.  Also, I didn't realize that in Bikram the same 26 static postures are repeated in the same order every class.  Yes, this does create a rhythm and routine, but I missed the flows of my past classes.  I also missed the wonderful aroma of incense since the  Bikram studio smelled of old sweat like a gym locker room.

8.  Toasted walnuts are delicious.  Crunchy nuggets of good fat.  They are even a little sweet, which I can now discern because my taste buds aren't dulled by sugarless gum. 

7.  I cannot have almond butter in the house.  Organic, salt free nut butters were fair game, but I just kept finding myself dipping my spoon back in for more.  Thus, I ended up throwing a 1/2 eaten jar away in week two.

6.  Confirmed again that weight loss is more about diet than exercise.  Even though I cut back on tough cardio, skipped the heart rate monitor and didn't lift even one dumbell, I lost the five pounds I've been struggling with for months.  Skipping cheats and restaurant meals on weekends made the real difference on the scale.  Plus, with limited sodium and no crappy carbs, I am not retaining water weight.

5.  Colon therapy (a colonic) is interesting, cleansing and not something I want to do very often.  Will spare readers the details on this one.

4.  Cutting caffeine was easier than cutting salt.  Even though I am not a coffee drinker, I did have some caffeine withdrawal.  But the banging headache subsided by Day 4, whereas I craved salt until, well, today.  I never realized how much I salt my food and how much it changes the flavor (for the better).  As I transition to a more maintainable diet, I will bring some salt back in, but need to be more conscious of how much I use.   

3.  Having previously done fitness show prep diets, the cleanse wasn't actually that bad.  I didn't feel deprived because I had nuts, oils and fruit to satisfy me.  Plus, I chose to go through this process and so I didn't have any desire to cheat.  In show prep, I would cheat at least once every two weeks.  The cleanse was different...I felt I would be cheating on myself.  I didn't want to break the momentum and have to start over again.

2.  Trying new things is fun!  Here are just a few of the new things I tried over these 21 days:

• Vanilla Rooibos tea from Starbucks - it is yummy and nutty.  
• Broccoli Rabe (or rapini) -- a little bitter, but I felt healthier just eating it.  Wegman's sells it in bags, ready to cook.  
• Drinking hot water, lemon & cayenne first thing in the morning...a habit I will likely continue. 
• Fruit only for breakfast -- refreshing and light.  I have a new appreciation for bananas.   
• Amaranth --tasty, especially with toasted walnuts (see #8) thrown in.  
• Bikram (see #10).  
• Colonics (see #4).     
• Cleanse Elixirs -- mixes of fresh juices, grated ginger, fresh garlic, oils and cayenne.  Not too bad aside from the resulting horrible breath and the 300+ calories spent on something that wasn't very satisfying.  Tried not to focus on the caloric expenditure, but rather the detoxifying benefits. 

1.  When I set my mind to something, I do it.  Coke Zero and gum will no longer control me.  Now, I just have to figure out what I want to keep in, bring back in and what will stay out.

Thank you Amy at VitalSelf for being my guide and for being so supportive.   I highly recommend trying a cleanse to anyone struggling with their own vices or toxins, be it food, people or stress.

Changing Course on Traditional Thinking

I was raised to follow the rules.  When I took a lie detector test for the Army, the administrator told me that my "Momma must have raised me right."  I cannot lie without sweating and my pulse racing.  When I approach a problem, I typically take proven avenues to solve it.  So when I decided that I wanted to study nutrition, of course I choose the established, known path.  I decided to become a registered dietitian through an accredited state university (Kansas State) and the American Dietetic Association.  That the program would take me years to complete and included a long, unpaid internship were not deterrents.  Knowing that I would have a legitimate diploma and recognized certification at the end of the process was driving me.  Yet these past few months of job turmoil have forced me to question many of my past decisions and ask, what is the career path that will take me to where I will be happiest personally and professionally? 

One of the questions I keep coming back to is what is my ideal work?  I know I want to help people find health and wellness through exercise and improved nutrition.  Do I need to be an RD to do this?  Are there alternative ways to educate myself?  There are, but these alternative approaches go against my rule following nature and feel less legitimate on some levels.   

The program I'm now considering is the Institute for Integrative Nutrition.  The IIN program is a year long and ends with a Holistic Health Counselor certification. I had looked into this school previously and now they offer a distance only program.  It is affordable and convenient.  Plus, my former boss, guru, mentor and current cleanse guide is a graduate from there.  Another former AOL colleague is also a graduate.

So the next question that keeps coming up -- can I achieve what I want to with this alternative degree or do I need to be an RD?  My passions lie more on the side of coaching and wellness, than in clinical nutrition.  My intention was never to work in a hospital or a nursing home.  I want to help people.  The people who inspire me most aren't necessarily the most officially accreditted.  I am trying to let go of this old Koren way of thinking that requires me to follow tradition, but I keep being pulled down by doubt.

Part of my apprehension is not wanting to quit on the program I've just spent 15 months preparing for.  I've struggled through Chemistry and Biology, only to shift course now?  Will people judge me and think I am a quitter who took the easy way out?  Do I care what those people think?

A few years back I saw a counselor about a major problem I was struggling with.  I kept asking her "how will I know for sure?"  And she told me, "Koren, you know what you know."  Yes, I know it sounds ridiculously simple, but she helped me see that I just needed to trust in my inner voice (which ended up being right).

When I follow my instincts and not self doubt or traditional thinking, I always feel like I've done the right thing.  The "right thing" might not be exactly what I planned, but I end up learning, growing and moving forward.

Coming Together

It was late and I had just settled into bed to watch The Good Wife On Demand.  I heard a knock on my door and it was Robb, my middle stepson, wanting to talk about weight lifting supplements.  Honestly, I just wanted to turn off the light and go to bed, but I have learned one very valuable lesson in the last few years – you listen when teens want to talk.  Even if it is late and you are tired.  This is especially true with Robb, who isn’t quick to open up.  So, I paused my show and talked about carbs, protein and mass building (thankfully, a topic I like).  It only took ten minutes out of my day and I smiled knowing my family was finally coming together.

There was a time when I wondered if my version of the Brady Bunch would ever blend.  Many days included awkward silences, eye rolling (I still get that) and raised voices.  But in the last year, there is more laughter, smiles and late night chats.  This was no easy feat with all the different emotional hurdles we faced.  I am divorced and share custody of my seven year old daughter.  Bob is a widower with three teens.  When we met they were 11, 13 and 16.  I almost ran screaming for the hills, but Alex (the youngest) welcomed me with open arms.  She is so intuitive for a young girl.  I feared her potential Daddy issues would become a wedge between Bob and me, but amazingly she didn’t have any.

This year I have noticed a major shift in our family dynamic, for the better.  I can’t put my finger on what made the difference.  When Bob told me he would be geobatching (serving Monday through Friday in Norfolk, coming home on weekends), I’m not sure who was more terrified – me or the kids.  But truly, I’ve never felt more happy about my connection with my stepchildren.  Maybe having Bob away forced the kids and I to address issues head on.  Or maybe it was bringing John back into the house.  Originally, I thought it would push me over the edge, but then I saw the sense of wholeness that it gave Alex and Robb, resulting in an even stronger feeling of family.  Or maybe it was Bob and I getting married last May.  Everyone knows we’re stuck together now.  Well, whatever it was/is, I’m thankful.    

It really hit me a few weeks ago when the whole clan piled into the Sequoia and went to visit the Georgetown Campus.  We strolled, chatted and laughed.  No tension.  What a relief!  And just last night, I sat with Rubes, Al and John playing Clue while Bob made dinner and Robb studied nearby.

When Bob and I first started dating, I bought a ton of books on stepparenting.  One said it would take four years for our blended family to feel like, well, a family.  Four years?  That seemed like an eternity!  But the days have passed fairly quickly (some more quickly than others) and we are definitely coming out the other side.