A Long, Thankful Good-bye to Balancing Thirties

I started this blog over a year ago, when I was struggling to find balance in my newly unemployed world. Since then, I have shared a lot more than I initially intended to and you all have responded with support and enthusiasm. When I originally wrote this post, my intention was to post it on my new company blog, www.liveitcoach.com/blog. Then it got so long that I thought I shouldn't post it at all -- too personal, too detailed, afraid of leaving someone out and having them be offended. So I just sent it to my husband as a Thanksgiving "present" at sea. But with his urging (again, love that man for his supportiveness), I decided to post it. Rather than posting it on the new blog, I am posting it here, where my journey began. It will be my last post on Balancing Thirties, at least for while, while I focus on Live It. Not because I think I have mastered the art of balancing everything, but because I know that I cannot give both blogs the attention they need and Live It is my priority right now. So thank you for reading and sharing in my journey.

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In honor of Thanksgiving, I started a list of what I'm thankful for. Yes, it is a little corny, but it made me feel good as it started to grow, getting super long and detailed as you'll see below. Since research says that one of the key traits of happy people is expressing gratitude, I guess I am a super happy person.

This year, I am thankful for...

Bob is Coming Home Soon – I am so excited that my husband returns home from a seven month military deployment right before Christmas. I am especially thankful that his deployment is only seven months. There are many, many service men and women overseas who have 18 month tours, which just seems unbearable. I am thankful Bob is on an aircraft carrier too. I get some (possibly naive) comfort knowing he is on a ship and not on the front lines in the desert or mountains.

Live It is a Reality – Last Thanksgiving, I was unsuspectingly toiling at AOL, no clue a layoff was in my future. A few short months later, I was unemployed and looking for work. I tried valiantly to find work back in Corporate America to no avail, and for which I am also very thankful. Today, my business is off the ground and gaining momentum.

Bob’s Unwavering Support – Bob is my greatest cheerleader. He always supports me in my pursuits. When I was doing bikini/fitness shows, Bob was there, carrying my food cooler and applying tanner to my back. When I got laid off the first time, he kept me calm and focused. When I wanted to focus on Live It he said “go for it.” If I want to spend money on Live It, or heck, even on myself for a massage, he tells me to do it. From Bob, I’ve learned that when you support your spouse, they support you back. Oh and he came up with the name Live It too!

Bob's Deployment -- This is a perfect example of how you choose to see something can impact your happiness. I could resent Bob’s absence or embrace it. I realize that it is his very absence that makes my current lifestyle (not working a 9 to 5) possible. Bob’s being in a combat zone has made his pay tax exempt and me able to pursue Live It from a financial perspective. The deployment has also given the kids and I a chance to bond on a completely different level, without Bob. It was sink or swim and I think we’re doing swimmingly. Same goes for my relationship with Bob’s sister Jane – we’ve developed a deeper connection without the Bob buffer. The deployment also affords Bob the opportunity to pursue his lifelong dream, doing what he loves. He will return an even better, fulfilled man.

Family

My Blended Family – I love my crazy family…all of it. Obviously my Hubby since I’ve gushed about him already. Also, my baby, Rubes, who is bright, funny, adaptable, and ALWAYS wakes up smiling. She woke up on Friday singing “Walking on Sunshine.” My other three – Alex, Robb and John – have taught me so much about resilience, parenting and the blessings in diversity. All three are special and individual. They each handle the loss of their mother in very different ways and they each treat me very differently. Alex is sweet, gentle and completely open. She just oozes love. Robb is smart, headstrong, knows what he wants….but can be egocentric (I think it is a male, and possibly Barwis, thing). Robb reminds me a lot of Bob with his harder outer exterior and soft gooey center that he doesn’t allow a lot of people to see. John is caring and considerate in surprising ways. He is still trying to find himself and can be totally clueless, but he just wants to be loved.

I also consider my ex-husband Shane and his wife Anicia, their son Ashton and the twins they are expecting in Feb/March as my extended family. I am permanently connected to them via Ruby and accepting this fact was a tough mental hurdle for me, but especially for Bob. But seeing my ex as part of my extended family changes the way we interact -- we accept that we are all stuck together, so we try to make the most of it. I am thankful that Shane and I have a positive co-parenting relationship, live close enough to make it work and communicate fairly easily. I am thankful for Anicia and I don’t envy her position…being a step-Mom is tough, especially to Daddy’s Little Girl. She is the voice of reason in their house, tough and opinionated, sharing my love of rules and consistency (unlike my ex). Their son Ashton and the yet-to-be-born twins have given Ruby the blood siblings I always wanted Ruby to have, teaching Ruby to share and to be a big sister.

My Mother – She is my go-to sounding board. She is always supportive and open minded. I got so many traits for her, including most of my social skills, my strength, my views of right & wrong and my undying love of chocolate chip cookie dough ( I am SO thankful she wasn’t one of those Moms who wouldn’t give their kids raw cookie dough…for the record, neither am I). I am incredibly thankful that her health is good. Being so close to those who have lost their mother makes me truly appreciate mine.

My Sister – I share a bond with Kirsten that I don’t share with anyone else. She is the yin to my yang – we are very different -- but we do our best to respect those differences. I wish we lived closer because my sis isn’t a big fan of the phone, but am thankful that when we do see each other, we pick right back up where we left off.

Jane – Bob's sister is successful and smart, we share a love of good food and wine and a rational calm. She is supportive and open-minded, providing suggestions for my business and a sanity check when dealing with Bob and the kids.

My Grandmothers – Both of my grandmothers are still alive and I am thankful for that. Both are strong women with very different backgrounds and life stories.

My Aunt – She has had a great impact on my life and how I view the world, probably more than she realizes.

My Stepmom Nancy – so different than my Mom, she taught me that it is okay to love a stepparent and not feel like you are betraying your parent. She was a great role model for stepparenting, showing me how to be a friend and supporter, without trying to replace the original parent. VERY valuable skills in my current situation. She also brought iced Christmas cookies in my holiday repertoire which I think the rest of my family is very thankful for.

Bob's Mom Barb -- She is a strong woman, much like my own mother. She supports and adores Bob, without being overbearing (as I hear many mother-in-laws can be). She has embraced me completely.

I am also thankful for this exercise because I struggled with whether to include my Dad. This is a red flag that the relationship needs some tending.

Women

In addition to my family of mostly women listed above, I am surrounded by so many amazing women. This network of estrogen has helped me see my potential, supporting me, especially in this past year of change.

The Ashburn Brigade – Tammy, TraceAnn, Amy and Jen. Just good, smart women with common interests and children around the same age. I like that we actually do stuff together and I’m not the only one planning things. They have provided many distractions this year with Bob gone.

Lara -- my former co-worker, turned fellow layoff buddy, turned dear dear friend. She is working again, which I’m sure she is thankful for, but I miss her. She let me know last night that she had a health scare this week and so I am especially thankful for her friendship and hope for a quick recovery.

Lisa -- Our friendship started sharing the competitive bug. She’s spray tanned me, taught me how to do a stage walk and kept me calm backstage. We’ve moved from competition buddies to the bestest of friends. I adore her warmth and southern drawl. My life and heart are fuller because of her.

Catherine, Deb, Lisa B – friends for 10+ years, we struggle to stay in touch, but when we do get together its like we were never apart.

Ursula – One of the most recent additions to my circle, I was referred to her yoga studio by a friend. I was viscerally compelled to go and meet her…and I’m so glad I did. Ursula has a healing energy that calms me. I see good things in store for our friendship.

Meisha – A friend from high school, Meisha is an inspiration. She is a professional dancer and since I cannot dance, I have the utmost respect for her. Although we haven't seen each other in years, reconnecting via Facebook and email, I think the future holds more for our friendship.

My Clients -- Their strength and determination make me stronger and more determined.

My Facebook friends and everyone else who reads my blog, especially those who comment. Your comments and support do not go unnoticed.

My Pets – People who have pets are statistically happier. I cannot imagine my life without at least one pet. We got our kitty Hazel this summer and she is a blessing – so sweet, loving and genuinely a good cat. Even the boys love her. Winnie, our chocolate lab, is holding strong at nine, graying muzzle and all. She is a dumb, predictable lab, but I love her. What I love more is that she is Bob’s dog. I got Winnie as a puppy, but my ex took her and our other lab Carly in the divorce. When he couldn’t keep her anymore, Bob quickly offered to take Winnie in (good gracious, I LOVE that man!) even though we already had 2 other dogs. She immediately took to Bob’s strength and I know she has missed him terribly these past six months. We also have a dog Sandy who I am not so thankful for…she is a strange dog and pees in the house routinely, but I know Alex adores her, so I guess I have to be thankful for that.

Our Home – It is definitely a home. You won’t find any white furniture or neatly organized rooms in our house, but I know my family feels at ease here, which was a major objective. Bob and I wanted a home where our four children who had experienced death and divorce, would feel surrounded in love. Our TVS aren’t flatscreens and our couches have tears, our carpets have stains, but it is home. I figure once the kids are grown, we’ll get a nice condo somewhere and have white furniture…well, maybe not the white furniture part.

Good Health – It is so easy to take your health for granted, so I really try to routinely acknowledge my physicality and thank my body when it performs when I need it to. When I am injured, I see it as my body’s way of telling me to take a break. I am so very thankful for the health of my husband, kids and family. I do not know how parents of sick children do it.

My Strength -- Both physical and mental. I am thrilled that at 37 I am in the best shape of my life - stronger, leaner and determined.

That I am no longer doing fitness competitions – My last show was two years ago last week. Although I enjoyed the shows while doing them, the fallout afterward was something I was not expecting nor prepared for. I spent months preparing and dieting only to be disappointed when subjective judges marked me as average. Yes, I won a smaller show and loved the fun and attention, but I did not love the sense of failure and frustration as the pounds came back on and I no longer had a show to prepare for. When you have 8% body fat, anything more than that feels fat. It has taken me these two years to find my happy body weight and physique, without a show. It just isn’t worth it for me. So when I recently had two competitors approach me with the same post-show blues, I felt such incredible gratitude that I now have a healthier perspective. Instead of staying focused because of a show, I stay focused by eating what feels good and staying away from processed foods. As I see my former competitor friends posting pics from the show on FB and get a tinge of jealousy, but I know what is in store for many of them – binging, bloating and frustration.

Technology – I am so appreciative of technology -- email, cell phones and satellite. These tools have kept me in daily contact with Bob. I only wish we could Skype! But I don’t focus on that, again trying to just be thankful for what we DO have. Wasn’t that long in the past when people were using letters to communicate with their deployed loved ones. I also love my iPhone for all its apps, making my life simpler and more organized. And I am thankful for my DVR – I love not feeling bound to the TV. Lastly, I feel like I couldn't live without my laptop, where I work, write and connect.

Good Food – Food is plentiful and available for me and my family. I know that is not the case for everyone. I feel guilty and glutinous when I let food spoil. I am especially thankful for chocolate chip cookies (baking some today), blackberries, apples, good dark chocolate and red wine...oh and Jane's sweet potato casserole!

Water – after seeing a segment on the lack of water available after the Haitian earthquake, I am more thankful of the running water that just magically comes out of the faucet.

The Little Things -- contact lenses, Nike Frees, my new Soda Stream, quiet Sunday mornings, colorful sunsets, flat irons, seat belts, the stepmill, Victoria's Secret clothes that fit me well.

Writing – I am so, so thankful for writing. Just writing this post has made me feel calm, in tune and happier. This year, I discovered how cathartic writing is for me and I’ve connected with people on an entirely new level. I put myself out there and hoped that people liked what I wrote. I was rewarded with a wealth of support and love. I use writing for my own healing and it works, but I'm also glad that others can benefit.

The Bottom Line -- I'm thankful for Bob and our life together. He truly completes me (yes, cheesy Jerry McGuire reference) and has made me a better woman. I love him with all my heart and he will be missed tonight as we go around the dinner table saying what we are all thankful for. I'll do my best not to cry, but no guarantees. Heck, I'm tearing up now as I close this last post.

Forward or Back?

I met with a friend today who is reentering the corporate workforce after our shared layoff in February. Hearing her news made me pause and feel a little envious. I had to ask myself what I envied and it ultimately boiled down to the paycheck. These feelings made me question whether I was doing the right thing pursuing my passions and not a six-digit salary.

I got home, checked email and had received DailyOm's Today's Inspiration email with a title "A Moment of Choice." DailyOm has this uncanny ability to send just the right sentiment at the right time. Today's Inspiration discussed the benefits of starting something new -- exactly what I needed to hear. I am on a new path, one that is rewarding and fulfilling. I wish my friend a bounty of luck, but am confident that I am moving in the right direction.

Cresting the Deployment Hump

To many of you, this image means nothing, but to me, this is the image I have been waiting for for the last 106 days. I knew if I could just make it to this day, I would make it through. Today marks the half way point on this deployment journey -- today is Hump Day.

When I go running and come to a hill, I increase speed and charge up it with my head down. I want it to be over as quickly as possible and don’t want to see how much more torture I have left. Once at the top, I take a deep breath and enjoy coasting down the other side. Unfortunately, with a deployment, there is no speeding up to end the misery early, but my philosophy remains the same -- keep my head down until I crest. Today, I am cresting. Ahhh, I like the view from up here. I can see the Fall, the kids’ return to school, my working again, holidays and best of all I can see my sweetie on the pier.

The first half of the deployment was definitely challenging for me. Summer’s lack of routine and structure made the time just crawl by. The silver lining? All that down time brought the kids and me closer. However, I think we have all had enough bonding time and are ready for school, work and busier lives.

If the first half was harder for me, the second half will surely be harder for Bob. Our three oldest kids have big milestone birthdays coming up -- Robb turns 18 next Saturday, Alex has her Sweet 16 in October and in November John turns 21. Add in Robb’s senior year of football, apple picking (and my amazing apple bread), Navy Football, Halloween trick or treating with Rubes and well, let’s just stop there because it is kind of depressing to think about all that Bob will miss out on this year. But every time I start feeling sorry for myself (or Bob), I think of all the soldiers in Afghanistan on 18 month tours and I feel lucky that Bob is only gone for seven months. In just 106 days, I’ll be snuggling on the couch with my husband getting ready for an extra special Christmas celebration. Let the downhill coasting begin.

Wo Xiang Ni

Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for email, but after months of writing Bob, I just felt disconnected this week. There are only so many ways to say "I miss you" without sounding whiny. So, I looked up how to say I miss you in a variety of different languages. Something about compiling the list and reading through it immediately made me feel better and feel closer to Bob and to all those people in the world who are also missing their loved ones for whatever reason. Here is the list, starting with the one I already knew:

Mandarin
Wo xiang ni

Arabic
Eshatetelak

Iraqi
Wahashtook

Russian
Ya po tebe skuchau

Afgani
Delam barat tang shode

Iranian
Delam baraat tange

Japanese
Anata ga i naku te sabishii desu

Korean
Dangsin-ibogo sipseubnida

Malay
Saya rindu awak

Nepali
Maile tmilai miss gareko chu

Filipino
Miss kita

Sinhalese
El lique o latope

Thai
Chan khidthung thex

Urdu
Aaapki kami mehsoos hoti hai

Hindi
Muje tumhari yaadh aa rahi hai

Tamil
Nee illaamal thavikkiren

Telugu
Nenu nee premaku duramouthunnanu

Kannada
Ninna nenapu kaadtaa ide

Malayalam
Ninne nyan miss cheiyunnu

Punjabi
Mennu yaadan teriyaan aaondiyaan ne

Bengali
Ami tomake onek miss kori

Marathi
Malaa tujhi faar aathvan yete

Gujarati
Mein tane miss karti che

Assamese
Apu'nak MIss Ko'risu

Vietnamese
Toi nho ban

Persian
Delam barat tang shode

Indonesian
Aku rindu kamu

Uzbek
Man seni sogindim

Samoa
Oute alofa ia te o'e

Cambodian
Oun nirk bong

Azeri
Senin ucun darixiram

Hebrew
Ani Mitga'ahge'ah/at Eleha/ Ela'ih

Kurdish
Birt akam

Turkish
seni ozledim

Laos
Koey keud haut jow

Khmer
Kor-yom neck oun

Mangolian
Roland gadeyne

Dhivehi
Varah handhaanve

Tagalog
Nangungulila ako sa iyo
Swahili
Ninakukosa

Somali
Waan ku tabayaa

Afrikaans
Ek verlang jou

Kabyle
Hemleghk

Kisii
Nindakobore

Oromo
Hedduudhuman si yaade

German
Ich vermisse dich

French
Tu me manques

Italian
Mi manchi

Spanish
Te echo de menos

Galician
Sinto saudades de ti

Portuguese
Sinto saudades de voce

Romanian
Mi-e dor de tine

Dutch
Ik mis je

Swedish
Jag saknar dig

Danish
Jeg savner dig

Norwegian
Jeg savner deg

Polish
Tesknie za toba

Finnish
Mina kaipaan sinua

Greek
Mou leipeis

Hungarian
Hianyzol

Croatian
Nedostajes mi

Czech
Chybis mi

Bulgarian
Lipsvash mi

Slovak
Chybas mi

Slovenian
Pogresam te

Maltese
Inhoss in-nuqqas tieghek

Ukrainian
Ya po tebe skuchayu

Welsh
Rwy'n gweld dy eisiau di

Estonian
Ma igatsen sind

Albanian
Me mungon

Armenian
Yes karotelem kez

Irish
Airim uaim thu

Turkish
Seni ozledim

Macedonian
Mi nedostigas

Lithuanian
Ilgiuosi taves

Latvian
Man tevis pietrukst

Serbian
Uzeleo sam te se

Belarusian
Ya pa tabye sumuyu

Catalan
Et trobo a faltar

Icelandic
Eg sakna pin

Closing Doors

We’ve all heard the saying…”one door closes, another one opens.” It is usually said by some well meaning friend trying to soften the blow of one of life’s disappointments. What I’ve found, is that sometimes you have to close one door in order for another door to open. Something about too many doors being open at one time creates a draft, but I don’t think that is the point I’m trying to make. My point is that sometimes we are holding ourselves back and we need to let go of the old to let in the new.

For months after being laid off, I fervently pursued a position in my old profession. My desire was obviously to return to what I knew, but also to return to the salary I knew. I went on multiple interviews that seemed to go well, but after receiving no offers, I had to take a hard look at myself and my future. I had to realize that the Fates were guiding me in a new direction and I needed to listen. When I finally decided to stop moving in the old direction and start moving towards what I truly wanted and have wanted for years, a career in wellness, things started happening for me.

My biggest hurdle was my own fear of rejection and not feeling credible enough. But in the past few months, I went from saying “maybe” or “if” to “I am” and “when”. I finally started owning my future and started talking about my passions with confidence and belief in myself. Funny thing happened -- other people started to believe in me too. Now I can feel my positive energy radiating outward and that of others coming back at me from all angles. I had three interviews last week with incredible, like-minded fitness professionals and left feeling alive. What a sharp contrast to the feelings I got and gave off at the many Corporate America interviews.

I like to think it was Fate preventing me from getting those other jobs, but maybe subconsciously I sabotaged myself with an undercurrent of disinterest and disdain that the interviewers sensed. I went to one interview and was literally crying on the way there, contemplating the commute and the daily grind. Red flag? Hell yes! And to my credit, I did listen to those feelings and am now reaping the rewards of doing so. I closed the door to my past career and the door to my future opened.

Lessons from Eat Pray Love

I saw Eat Pray Love tonight. In the past, movies like this would upset me, making me feel inadequate, settled and overly nested. They would motivate me to action and encourage me to change. But not this time. This time, I am already moving. I am already changing. I am in true, passionate, soul mate love. This time, the movie just reinforced what I am already discovering. I didn't leave feeling the "shoulds" (I should do this or I should do that). I left saying, I am solid, loved and embracing the real me.

Two hours later, I'm still moved. The only other movie that left me with this churn in my stomach was Titanic. I haven't let out the emotion yet, but I can feel the tears coming. There are many lessons in the movie, which I'm still digesting. Here are just a few...

"You don't need a man, you need a champion."
How true. Any guy can fill your bed, but every woman needs a man who has her back. A man who will protect her, even if she doesn't need protecting. I am so thankful that I found mine.

Eat and don't feel guilty.
Ugh, this one I still struggle with.

Until you are solid alone, you can't be solid partnered.
A woman needs to be able to be alone, before she can be together. If you can't go to the movies alone without feeling self conscious, you should consider being single for a while. This is why all us idiots who got married in our twenties often question our decision...because we had no flippin' clue about who we were in our twenties and we certainly weren't solid alone.

Everyone needs a good pair of aviator sunglasses
Julia Roberts exudes positive energy and organic hotness, all the way down to her aviators. Is it the sunglasses or the internal peace? I'm thinking the latter.

Leap and cross over.
I'm leaping. I'm taking chances and they are paying off. I have given my heart to someone, knowing it is safe and I have no fear of losing myself. New experiences are on the horizon and I am not afraid.

And to any critics who didn't love the movie...they are either too young to understand or too old and set in their ways. For all of us balancing our thirties, you'll love this movie and you'll be inspired.

A Quick Exercise in Gratitude

I had lunch with a great friend yesterday and our conversation turned to thankfulness. It reminded me of a quick exercise I try to do every now and then, especially when I feel myself being overly negative.

Just make a list of A to Z and fill in what you are thankful for. The key is to move quickly and not over think it. Here is my list for today:

A – Apples (Apple season is coming! I love the Fall)
B – Bob
C – Calling (Feeling like I am finding my calling and going after it is invigorating)
D – Drinking Wine (having red wine at Blue Ridge on Saturday was wonderfully peaceful and soothing)
E – Eggbeaters (simple, easy, healthy)
F – Football season (means Bob will be home in a few months)
G – Gmail (my main communication connection to my sweetie)
H – Hazel (my new kitty is a blessing - loving, affectionate and adorable)
I – Institute for Integrative Nutrition (my new school started last week and I already can tell that I'm in the right place)
J – Jif crunch peanut butter (only thing better is almond butter, which I cannot keep in the house)
K – The King (Bob, again)
L – Love (Bob, again)
M – My Man (Bob, again…seeing a pattern? Perhaps…and yes, absence at least makes the heart grow crazier)
N – Nuts (crunchy good fat, keeps me from feeling deprived)
O – Oxygen magazine (a great magazine for healthy, strong women)
P – Panera (free wireless)
Q – Quiet (5am rocks sometimes)
R – Rubes
S – Summer (love the heat and being warm, not having to bundle up and freeze or shovel. This one is particularly important because all summer I’ve just waiting for it to be over, to signal the ½ way point in Bob’s deployment. This type of thinking goes completely against my own attempts and yoga’s teachings to just live in the moment. So, I need to be thankful for and remember all the goodness in Summer while it is here because before I know it, I’ll be cold again)
T – Telephone (allows for long talks with my Mom, and also another connection to Bob. Boy how we take this now simple technology for granted.)
U – Underway (this period with Bob underway is so important to his career, health and well being. It is also providing for our family)
V – Vagina (okay, sorry if any guys actually read my blog, but this is not a naughty word...plus, V words are a little challenging to come up with. And I am thankful for the healthy relationship I have with mine)
W – Wine (love a glass, or two or three, of good red or white)
X – Ex (glad we put Ruby first and that there hasn’t been much drama lately)
Y – yoga (thrilled that I’ve come back to yoga)
Z – Zeal (what a blessing to feel enthusiasm for my new career path. I feel alive and invigorated)

Studies show that those who practice gratitude tend to be happier. I know after my A-Z exercise, I feel better and more positive already.