Taking a Break

Spring Break starts today for my kids.  Funny thing is, doesn't change things much for me -- I’m still on the longest break from work that I’ve had since starting my first job at 15.

Twenty-two years ago, I couldn’t wait to start working, making money.  I donned a brown polyester uniform and began waiting tables at the Koney Island Inn where my sister worked.  From there, I had a lot of job titles – Wench (waitress in a wench’s costume), Student, Chinese Linguist, Interior Designer, Marketing Professional.  Over those two decades, I’ve been blessed with the ability to move between jobs without major gaps.  I’ve never had trouble getting a job, until now.

Being out of work brings about such a wealth of conflicting emotions:

• Freedom – I finally have time to do all the things I always wished I had time for.  Yes, I can sleep in, nap and take that 9:30am Spinning class.  Yet, I can’t really enjoy them.  I feel like I should constantly be looking for a job.
• Lack of purpose – I was proud of my job and my income.  Losing that and going without a replacement makes me feel a little lost.   
• Lazy – If I sleep in or take a nap, I feel like I should be getting up and doing something.  If I’m not looking for a job 24/7, I feel like I should be.  
• Lack of worth – I question my abilities and skills.  Why aren't recruiters calling and why am I not getting hired?  Why didn’t AOL want to keep me?  
• Indecision – My initial thought was to return to what I know…online marketing, but the thought of actually taking some of the jobs that I’ve applied for or commuting long distances is nauseating.  After being off for over a month, getting back into the 9 to 5 grind isn't really all that appealing.  But I don’t have the luxury of being able to stay home, so I know I must go back and not be picky.  Ugh, I hate feeling cornered.  
• Mooch -- I’ve always paid my own way and never relied on someone else to pay the bills.  I have trouble accepting being a stay-at-home Mom (will write another post on that topic).  I hate that my not working is eating into my family’s limited safety net.

As I read through my post, I hear all the 'shoulds' and feel all the guilt.  I always say that guilt is a useless emotion, yet with myself I’m ok with it?  And I'm trying to see the positive in this experience...the greater life lesson.  I know the fates are pushing me in a new direction and I am listening, but the process is hard and upsetting.

Taking a deep breath, I resolve to truly take a break this week and enjoy the time that I would normally be working.  I am thankful that I can spend the time with my kids and will focus on that.  Next week, my search resumes in full force.