The Day My World Changed

Seven years ago today, Ruby Rayne Gau was born. My world -- the world -- changed completely, for the better.

It was snowing, American Idol was on and my water broke. Twelve hours and a lot of pain later, my baby girl was placed on my chest. Nothing can describe that connection and feeling -- a combination of pure joy, relief and panic. Thankfully, Ruby was healthy and had all her fingers and toes, but now what?

That first night, Ruby and I were resting, when she started choking on phlegm from the birth canal. I panicked and didn't know what to do. I called the nurse, who came in, smacked her on the back and Rubes was fine. I, on the other hand, was not. I sobbed with tears of exhaustion and fear. How the hell was I going to raise a baby when I couldn't even handle this? My first lesson in vulnerability and parenting. Sometimes we don't know the solution and sometimes we have to reach out for help. But ultimately, we all survive.

I have always been convinced that Ruby is an old soul. At birth, she was at ease. Her eyes were soft and kind. As a baby, sleep came easily. Although we couldn't master breastfeeding, we found our way and getting her to eat was never a problem. She maneuvered through teething, crawling, walking and talking on schedule and with grace. School transitions and even divorce didn't throw her.

"Making the decision to have a child -- it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."-- Elizabeth Stone

Since her conception, my biggest fear has been that something will happen to Ruby. I worried that I would miscarry. I worried that she wouldn't be healthy. I worried about SIDS. I worried that she would fall down the stairs (which she did and was fine). Motherhood is a series of worries. However, with divorce and joint custody, I have had to suspend my worries and put trust in others to care for her. Talk about going against my natural instincts! So now, I pray (and I am not religious) for the angels to watch over her when I can't. I will always worry about her in a primal way, constantly and instinctively.

Ruby is an amazing, special and spoiled child and I truly like her. You are supposed to love your children, but I actually like Ruby. She is funny, sharp and loving. Every day, she wakes up in a great mood, smiling. I even got a thumbs up the other day.

I treasure the moments I have with my peanut, especially when I see her growing and maturing into a young woman. She is a Daddy's Girl and I envy her relationship with her father. Having had divorced parents myself, I am thrilled that she has such a strong connection with her Dad, yet it does sting at times. Her favorite color for a while was brown because she and Dad both had brown hair and eyes. Selfishly, I revel in our similarities -- loving stuffed animals, fractions and riding the bus. We are both uncomfortable being upside down (literally) and out of control (figuratively). Physically, she has my build, my mouth and nose. Sadly, she has my cavity prone teeth and crappy eyesight. We have our differences too...my girl doesn't like chocolate. How is that possible?

People have asked me if I am going to have more children. Um, no...why? Along with having three step-children who are incredible and amazing, I already have an almost perfect child. I would be testing fate by asking for another.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl. I love you truly, madly, deeply.

My Love Affair with Cereal

I should own a cow. At least then I wouldn't be trucking to the grocery store every other day to buy milk. I always wondered who could take advantage of those "buy four, get the fifth gallon free" milk specials...now I know. Me! My house goes through a gallon every two days. Cereal is the main culprit. For teens who want a quick and easy meal, cereal is the ideal solution. Throw in a ton of sugar and teens are sold.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love cereal. There is just something magical about the sugar, the milk and the crunch. I truly believe I could eat cereal for all meals, everyday, if I could just control my addiction. When I have a bowl of cereal for breakfast, I find myself craving sugar all day and just cannot feel satisfied. Whereas if I eat cheesy eggs, I'm set until lunch time.

My daughter doesn't love cereal like I did/do. This morning, she took a few bites of her Golden Grahams and left the rest, in the milk. Unbelievably, she left the best part...the soggy last few bites and the sweetened room temperature milk. Not sure whether this behavior or her disdain for chocolate makes me question her true relation to me more. I quickly took a few bites and then dumped the remains down the sink. If I had finished that entire bowl, it could have triggered an avalanche of cereal grazing.

When I was little, my Grandma Helen always had Cheerios on hand. In my teens, I would devour big bowls of Raisin Nut Bran after school. Frosted Flakes became my variety of choice in my twenties. When I was doing fitness competitions, cereal was forbidden -- too many carbs and too much sugar -- and boy did I miss it. The coaches allowed oatmeal, but it just wasn't the same. Now, I occasionally indulge in a bowl, although it is usually restricted to pre-workout because it digests quickly and gives me a quick burst of energy. I also lean towards those with more protein and fiber. Here are two of my favorites:

Kashi GoLean

Serving Size: 1 cup

13g protein, 30g carbs, 1g fat, 10g fiber, 6g sugar

140 calories

High fiber and good amount of protein.

Kelloggs Special K Protein Cereal

Serving Size: 3/4c

10g protein, 14g carbs, 3g fat, 5g fiber, 2g sugar,

100 calories

Has a good carb/protein ratio with a decent amount of fiber.

An Honest Assessment

I am an ENTJ, a "yellow" personality and my IQ is around 131. I know all this because I love taking online self assessment quizzes. So when I recently received one as prework for a women's leadership conference I'm attending on Friday, I was excited and quickly clicked on the link.

The assessment involved choosing personality traits from 25 groups of words. Each group had four words and I was to pick the one word that described me most and the one that described me least. The instructions said to be honest and not to over think my decisions. But that is the limiting factor with self assessments -- our inability to honestly rate ourselves.

I had to keep reminding myself to choose the words that truly reflected who I am, not who I want to be. I want to be easy-going, fun and high energy, but in reality, I am often irritable and even-keeled. I strive to be optimistic and positive, but in light of current events in my life, I found myself leaning towards more of the pessimistic, critical descriptors. I even ended up a little down at the end of the assessment, realizing that I was not exactly the dynamic 30-something I thought I was.

When I received the results, I took an initial read and didn't agree with the entire profile. I was labeled "analytical" which I had always associated with nerds and number-crunchers. After diving deeper and re-reading, it became clear that the analysis was pretty accurate.

On Friday, I'll go through my results with the coaches leading the conference. I'm sure I'll learn more about how to best use my strengths and adapt my weaknesses. However, the greatest learning will likely be what I realized while taking the assessment -- that I am veering towards negativity and pessimism. I also know that I have the power to change that mindset. When I am feeling anti-social and reclusive, I need to push myself to engage and not withdrawal. Nothing is stopping me from being spontaneous and fun-loving. So tomorrow, I will strive to be the dynamic 30-something I want to be.

Reality Check

This morning, I had a fantastic cardio workout on a torture device I like to call "The Gauntlet." Others call it a stepmill. It is a set of rotating stairs often used by the trainers on The Biggest Loser.

My workout was 45 minutes long with intervals of heavy exertion. My heart rate ranged from 125 to 163, which is right where it needs to be for interval training. The machine said I burned 500 calories in total, whereas my heart rate monitor said a measly 350. I always side with the heart rate monitor, because it knows my age and has no reason to lie to me. On the contrary, I always suspect the machine...it wants me to think I'm burning more calories so that I use it more and the gym keeps ordering more units. Okay, I'll admit I'm overly suspicious, but you see my point.

Whenever someone asks me about cardio training, the first thing I tell them is to get a heart rate monitor and live by it. It keeps me honest and motivates me. It gives me a daily reality check.

The heart rate monitor I recommend is by Polar and is fairly basic -- a watch and a chest strap. Polar typically works with most cardio machines, which is an added plus. Since I don't need to sync with my computer nor know my distance, I don't buy the fancy model. I just want to know what my heart rate is at the time I'm working out.

If you don't know where your heart rate should be, you can use this handy tool to find the zones. Since everyone is different, you may find that you need to adjust for your level of fitness.

And just remember not to trust those sneaky machines.

Is Company X the One?

Job hunting is a lot like dating.

In this analogy, the interview is the first date. I recently interviewed for what I thought was the perfect job with Company X. I put on my cutest career outfit, sucked on a breath mint and tried to present a strong, smart and talented first impression. My heart raced as I answered questions, selling myself and hoping that the hiring manager would like me. I envisioned my life working there and overlooked flaws and shortcomings. I thought the meeting went really well. That evening, I sent a thank you email and optimistically expected an offer shortly thereafter. However, much to my chagrin, there was no follow up call. No email. NOTHING.

I felt just as I did when a guy wouldn't call. The feelings are all the same - excitement, rejection, nervousness, disappointment. Questions swirled through my head. What did I do wrong? Was I not as charming and brilliant as I thought I was? Do I email them again? Maybe a call? Or would that look desperate? Speaking of desperate, I must have checked my email every 60 seconds for the week following the interview. Every time the phone rang, I would pounce, hoping it would be them. Sadly, no call.

Weeks later, they did ask me back for a 2nd interview. Aha, our "date" hadn't been a disaster. I am charming and brilliant! Again, the interviews went incredibly well and I thought the job was mine. But again, no offer and no follow up email. Finally, about ten days later, the hiring manager asked me for references. Um, couldn't you have asked me for those a month ago? Irritated, I still sent my list of folks that would confirm I was a catch. When a week later they still hadn't been contact, I was confused and disappointed. Talk about mixed messages! And I thought guys were crazy.

With the job hunt comes all the same reassurances from friends too. "Oh, they'll call." "It isn't you." "Do you really want to work for a company that treats people like that?" Yet, all I kept hearing were the famous words from Greg Behrendt's dating doctrine, He's Just Not Into You, "If he isn't calling, he isn't interested." I took the hint and gave up, only to run into someone from Company X weeks later and have her mention the position and that we should catch up. UGH! Just like that guy that didn't want you, but didn't want anyone else to have you, they just loved stringing me along.

This week I experienced another parallel to dating -- the career fair. While mingling and selling of myself, I had flashbacks of my twenties, sitting in a bar trying to meet someone nice. The pressure to say the right thing and come off as confident but not cocky was exhausting. Am I sweating? Does my breath smell?

Ultimately, just like in relationships, I believe in fate. The job with Company X wasn't meant to be. Something even better will come along. Speaking of which, today I had an even better interview with an even better company. Gosh, I hope they call.

Bamboozled by Hot Cocoa

I'll admit it - I was recently bamboozled. Even though, I am fairly educated about nutrition, I still fell for one of the oldest food marketing scams in the business -- label manipulation.

Hot cocoa is one of my vices. Sweet, chocolaty and warm with minimal calories - how can you go wrong? So when I was recently grocery shopping, I figured I'd just go with the lowest calorie option to satisfy my cravings. A brand snob, I prefer Swiss Miss. I diligently read the labels and went with their Diet version because it only had 26 calories per packet compared to 120 for regular hot cocoa.

A few days later after drinking a few of the Diet cocoa packets and feeling dissatisfied, a light bulb went off. As I poured the packet into the cup, I realized there wasn't as much IN the packet. It was lighter and there was definitely less powder than the traditional packets. The next time I was in the grocery store, I again read the labels and compared the varieties...and guess what? The Diet packets contain only 1/3 (actually less than 1/3) of the original by weight! No wonder it is "diet," there is only 30% of the quantity.

Check out the label information for Swiss Miss' offerings:
Regular -- 120 calories, (1g protein, 23g carbs, 2g fat), serving size 28g
Diet -- 25 calories (2g protein, 4g carbs, 0g fat), serving size 8g
No sugar added -- 60 calories, (1g protein, 10g carbs, 1g fat) serving size 16g
Fat Free -- 50 calories (3g protein, 10g carbs, 0 fat), serving size not listed online

The Diet, No Sugar Added and Fat Free varieties are all essentially the same product nutritionally.

Swiss Miss is playing with the consumers fears and limited diet knowledge. Consumers who think fat is bad and low fat/fat free foods are the way to go will buy the Fat Free version, while those who are carb conscious and following the low carb craze will buy No Sugar Added. Note, the No Sugar Added still has 10g of carbs, just like the Fat Free version.

Companies use this trick to try to market products that are essentially identical as completely different products, thus upping sales. Some reduce quantity, some change packaging. The hot cocoa is just one example that reinforces why it is critical to read nutrition labels (especially serving sizes) so that you know exactly what you are getting.

Blogging Takes Work

I always loved the idea of having my own blog, but am finding it more challenging than expected keeping it up to date. One of the issues is just finding time to concentrate and pull a post together. But the real problem is my being torn between trying to post frequently (#1 "rule" of blogging) while posting something of substance. Thus, I have a pool of half-started posts. Think my over-edited perfectionist nature may need to take a back seat for a little while, at least until I get some momentum. So in that spirit, I am going to stop editing and post this now. More, better, to come.

Go K-Fed

I love any show about weight loss, fitness, health or dieting. Something about watching people struggle with their weight and overcome obstacles is inspiring to me. When those people are celebrities it is even more alluring.

The latest season of Celebrity Fit Club started this week and I love it. Kevin Federline admits that he looks preggers and a former Baywatch beauty reveals she isn't quite bathing suit ready. After all the pressure that the media puts on American women, it is reassuring to see that celebrities are real people who struggle too. I'm rooting for you K-Fed!

Making it Official

I am now an official student member of the ADA - American Dietetic Association! Another step taken towards becoming a dietitian.

The ADA website has a wealth of information and resources for professionals and the public. This article, Serving Size vs. Portion Size: Is There a Difference?, has a great tip that I often tell my kids..."Eat from a plate, not a package, so you know how much you eat." No mindless eating from a bag in front of the TV.

www.eatright.org

Job "Loss"

I didn't lose my job. Saying I lost it makes me sound responsible for its disappearance. Sadly, I had very little to do with my being cut. My performance reviews have always been stellar. No, this was a financial decision wrought with political angling and corporate chess play. Thankfully, I am mature enough to realize that businesses makes most decisions based on the bottom line, but that doesn't take any of the sting out it.

On January 12, after ten years of service, I was informed that as of February 26, I would no longer have a position at my company. I am grateful to my boss who secured those extra six weeks, unlike most of my 1,500 colleagues who were also laid off but had to leave that day with their belongings and just four weeks of severance. A good friend of mine who had no clue that her job was in jeopardy had worked for the company for over twelve years. She got an email that morning and by 2pm, she was no longer an employee. Boy, working in corporate America can be rough.

I wasn't completely shocked when I heard I was being laid off. I knew the odds weren't good -- 1 in 3 employees would be cut. I had even been hit before - same company, in 2008 - so I thought maybe lightening wouldn't strike twice. I was wrong and at the end of this month, I will be joining the 15 million other Americans without jobs.

Even though I didn't really love my job, I have mixed feelings about losing it. I am well paid and eliminating my income, especially with four children, is terrifying. But more than the financial implications, it was my realization that I was deemed unnecessary and not valuable enough to retain. Like I was trash that the company left on the curb. Don't they know how smart I am? Don't they know of my incredible talent?

Losing your job is an assault to the ego. Having people look at you with pity. Packing up your personal photographs and papers. Security guards roaming, as if you were a criminal. Walking out with all your belongings in a box.

And talk about a balance killer. My typical calm, steady emotional state is all over the map. My days are random and unstructured. I'm sure there is a life lesson in here somewhere and I look forward to figuring out what the heck it was after I've replaced my income and am comfortably back in a routine.

Balance

What is balance and why am I in pursuit of it? 

I just turned 37 and the thirties are especially challenging in the balance department.  American women are pulled in a million directions by careers, media pressure, family and personal desires. Empty and tapped, we struggle to pull it all back together with a smile.  So a year ago, I committed to finding balance in my relatively crazy life.  I haven't quite mastered it, but I am getting closer.  Everyday, I walk the  line between...

• being a good mother and wanting me time
• the desire to stay home and nest and feeling like a contributor to my family's bottom line
• aging gracefully and fighting it every step of the way
• doing what I love and doing what pays the bills
• the media's expectations of me and my own expectations
• eating what I love and eating what I should
• emotional, financial and physical dependence on my husband and my need to be independent
• the scale today and where I wish the scale was
• doing the right thing and doing the easy thing

This will be an account of my journey to find balance.