Seven years ago today, Ruby Rayne Gau was born. My world -- the world -- changed completely, for the better. It was snowing, American Idol was on and my water broke. Twelve hours and a lot of pain later, my baby girl was placed on my chest. Nothing can describe that connection and feeling -- a combination of pure joy, relief and panic. Thankfully, Ruby was healthy and had all her fingers and toes, but now what?
That first night, Ruby and I were resting, when she started choking on phlegm from the birth canal. I panicked and didn't know what to do. I called the nurse, who came in, smacked her on the back and Rubes was fine. I, on the other hand, was not. I sobbed with tears of exhaustion and fear. How the hell was I going to raise a baby when I couldn't even handle this? My first lesson in vulnerability and parenting. Sometimes we don't know the solution and sometimes we have to reach out for help. But ultimately, we all survive.
I have always been convinced that Ruby is an old soul. At birth, she was at ease. Her eyes were soft and kind. As a baby, sleep came easily. Although we couldn't master breastfeeding, we found our way and getting her to eat was never a problem. She maneuvered through teething, crawling, walking and talking on schedule and with grace. School transitions and even divorce didn't throw her.
"Making the decision to have a child -- it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."-- Elizabeth Stone
Since her conception, my biggest fear has been that something will happen to Ruby. I worried that I would miscarry. I worried that she wouldn't be healthy. I worried about SIDS. I worried that she would fall down the stairs (which she did and was fine). Motherhood is a series of worries. However, with divorce and joint custody, I have had to suspend my worries and put trust in others to care for her. Talk about going against my natural instincts! So now, I pray (and I am not religious) for the angels to watch over her when I can't. I will always worry about her in a primal way, constantly and instinctively.
Ruby is an amazing, special and spoiled child and I truly like her. You are supposed to love your children, but I actually like Ruby. She is funny, sharp and loving. Every day, she wakes up in a great mood, smiling. I even got a thumbs up the other day.
I treasure the moments I have with my peanut, especially when I see her growing and maturing into a young woman. She is a Daddy's Girl and I envy her relationship with her father. Having had divorced parents myself, I am thrilled that she has such a strong connection with her Dad, yet it does sting at times. Her favorite color for a while was brown because she and Dad both had brown hair and eyes. Selfishly, I revel in our similarities -- loving stuffed animals, fractions and riding the bus. We are both uncomfortable being upside down (literally) and out of control (figuratively). Physically, she has my build, my mouth and nose. Sadly, she has my cavity prone teeth and crappy eyesight. We have our differences too...my girl doesn't like chocolate. How is that possible?
People have asked me if I am going to have more children. Um, no...why? Along with having three step-children who are incredible and amazing, I already have an almost perfect child. I would be testing fate by asking for another.
Happy Birthday Baby Girl. I love you truly, madly, deeply.
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