A Long, Thankful Good-bye to Balancing Thirties

I started this blog over a year ago, when I was struggling to find balance in my newly unemployed world. Since then, I have shared a lot more than I initially intended to and you all have responded with support and enthusiasm. When I originally wrote this post, my intention was to post it on my new company blog, www.liveitcoach.com/blog. Then it got so long that I thought I shouldn't post it at all -- too personal, too detailed, afraid of leaving someone out and having them be offended. So I just sent it to my husband as a Thanksgiving "present" at sea. But with his urging (again, love that man for his supportiveness), I decided to post it. Rather than posting it on the new blog, I am posting it here, where my journey began. It will be my last post on Balancing Thirties, at least for while, while I focus on Live It. Not because I think I have mastered the art of balancing everything, but because I know that I cannot give both blogs the attention they need and Live It is my priority right now. So thank you for reading and sharing in my journey.

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In honor of Thanksgiving, I started a list of what I'm thankful for. Yes, it is a little corny, but it made me feel good as it started to grow, getting super long and detailed as you'll see below. Since research says that one of the key traits of happy people is expressing gratitude, I guess I am a super happy person.

This year, I am thankful for...

Bob is Coming Home Soon – I am so excited that my husband returns home from a seven month military deployment right before Christmas. I am especially thankful that his deployment is only seven months. There are many, many service men and women overseas who have 18 month tours, which just seems unbearable. I am thankful Bob is on an aircraft carrier too. I get some (possibly naive) comfort knowing he is on a ship and not on the front lines in the desert or mountains.

Live It is a Reality – Last Thanksgiving, I was unsuspectingly toiling at AOL, no clue a layoff was in my future. A few short months later, I was unemployed and looking for work. I tried valiantly to find work back in Corporate America to no avail, and for which I am also very thankful. Today, my business is off the ground and gaining momentum.

Bob’s Unwavering Support – Bob is my greatest cheerleader. He always supports me in my pursuits. When I was doing bikini/fitness shows, Bob was there, carrying my food cooler and applying tanner to my back. When I got laid off the first time, he kept me calm and focused. When I wanted to focus on Live It he said “go for it.” If I want to spend money on Live It, or heck, even on myself for a massage, he tells me to do it. From Bob, I’ve learned that when you support your spouse, they support you back. Oh and he came up with the name Live It too!

Bob's Deployment -- This is a perfect example of how you choose to see something can impact your happiness. I could resent Bob’s absence or embrace it. I realize that it is his very absence that makes my current lifestyle (not working a 9 to 5) possible. Bob’s being in a combat zone has made his pay tax exempt and me able to pursue Live It from a financial perspective. The deployment has also given the kids and I a chance to bond on a completely different level, without Bob. It was sink or swim and I think we’re doing swimmingly. Same goes for my relationship with Bob’s sister Jane – we’ve developed a deeper connection without the Bob buffer. The deployment also affords Bob the opportunity to pursue his lifelong dream, doing what he loves. He will return an even better, fulfilled man.

Family

My Blended Family – I love my crazy family…all of it. Obviously my Hubby since I’ve gushed about him already. Also, my baby, Rubes, who is bright, funny, adaptable, and ALWAYS wakes up smiling. She woke up on Friday singing “Walking on Sunshine.” My other three – Alex, Robb and John – have taught me so much about resilience, parenting and the blessings in diversity. All three are special and individual. They each handle the loss of their mother in very different ways and they each treat me very differently. Alex is sweet, gentle and completely open. She just oozes love. Robb is smart, headstrong, knows what he wants….but can be egocentric (I think it is a male, and possibly Barwis, thing). Robb reminds me a lot of Bob with his harder outer exterior and soft gooey center that he doesn’t allow a lot of people to see. John is caring and considerate in surprising ways. He is still trying to find himself and can be totally clueless, but he just wants to be loved.

I also consider my ex-husband Shane and his wife Anicia, their son Ashton and the twins they are expecting in Feb/March as my extended family. I am permanently connected to them via Ruby and accepting this fact was a tough mental hurdle for me, but especially for Bob. But seeing my ex as part of my extended family changes the way we interact -- we accept that we are all stuck together, so we try to make the most of it. I am thankful that Shane and I have a positive co-parenting relationship, live close enough to make it work and communicate fairly easily. I am thankful for Anicia and I don’t envy her position…being a step-Mom is tough, especially to Daddy’s Little Girl. She is the voice of reason in their house, tough and opinionated, sharing my love of rules and consistency (unlike my ex). Their son Ashton and the yet-to-be-born twins have given Ruby the blood siblings I always wanted Ruby to have, teaching Ruby to share and to be a big sister.

My Mother – She is my go-to sounding board. She is always supportive and open minded. I got so many traits for her, including most of my social skills, my strength, my views of right & wrong and my undying love of chocolate chip cookie dough ( I am SO thankful she wasn’t one of those Moms who wouldn’t give their kids raw cookie dough…for the record, neither am I). I am incredibly thankful that her health is good. Being so close to those who have lost their mother makes me truly appreciate mine.

My Sister – I share a bond with Kirsten that I don’t share with anyone else. She is the yin to my yang – we are very different -- but we do our best to respect those differences. I wish we lived closer because my sis isn’t a big fan of the phone, but am thankful that when we do see each other, we pick right back up where we left off.

Jane – Bob's sister is successful and smart, we share a love of good food and wine and a rational calm. She is supportive and open-minded, providing suggestions for my business and a sanity check when dealing with Bob and the kids.

My Grandmothers – Both of my grandmothers are still alive and I am thankful for that. Both are strong women with very different backgrounds and life stories.

My Aunt – She has had a great impact on my life and how I view the world, probably more than she realizes.

My Stepmom Nancy – so different than my Mom, she taught me that it is okay to love a stepparent and not feel like you are betraying your parent. She was a great role model for stepparenting, showing me how to be a friend and supporter, without trying to replace the original parent. VERY valuable skills in my current situation. She also brought iced Christmas cookies in my holiday repertoire which I think the rest of my family is very thankful for.

Bob's Mom Barb -- She is a strong woman, much like my own mother. She supports and adores Bob, without being overbearing (as I hear many mother-in-laws can be). She has embraced me completely.

I am also thankful for this exercise because I struggled with whether to include my Dad. This is a red flag that the relationship needs some tending.

Women

In addition to my family of mostly women listed above, I am surrounded by so many amazing women. This network of estrogen has helped me see my potential, supporting me, especially in this past year of change.

The Ashburn Brigade – Tammy, TraceAnn, Amy and Jen. Just good, smart women with common interests and children around the same age. I like that we actually do stuff together and I’m not the only one planning things. They have provided many distractions this year with Bob gone.

Lara -- my former co-worker, turned fellow layoff buddy, turned dear dear friend. She is working again, which I’m sure she is thankful for, but I miss her. She let me know last night that she had a health scare this week and so I am especially thankful for her friendship and hope for a quick recovery.

Lisa -- Our friendship started sharing the competitive bug. She’s spray tanned me, taught me how to do a stage walk and kept me calm backstage. We’ve moved from competition buddies to the bestest of friends. I adore her warmth and southern drawl. My life and heart are fuller because of her.

Catherine, Deb, Lisa B – friends for 10+ years, we struggle to stay in touch, but when we do get together its like we were never apart.

Ursula – One of the most recent additions to my circle, I was referred to her yoga studio by a friend. I was viscerally compelled to go and meet her…and I’m so glad I did. Ursula has a healing energy that calms me. I see good things in store for our friendship.

Meisha – A friend from high school, Meisha is an inspiration. She is a professional dancer and since I cannot dance, I have the utmost respect for her. Although we haven't seen each other in years, reconnecting via Facebook and email, I think the future holds more for our friendship.

My Clients -- Their strength and determination make me stronger and more determined.

My Facebook friends and everyone else who reads my blog, especially those who comment. Your comments and support do not go unnoticed.

My Pets – People who have pets are statistically happier. I cannot imagine my life without at least one pet. We got our kitty Hazel this summer and she is a blessing – so sweet, loving and genuinely a good cat. Even the boys love her. Winnie, our chocolate lab, is holding strong at nine, graying muzzle and all. She is a dumb, predictable lab, but I love her. What I love more is that she is Bob’s dog. I got Winnie as a puppy, but my ex took her and our other lab Carly in the divorce. When he couldn’t keep her anymore, Bob quickly offered to take Winnie in (good gracious, I LOVE that man!) even though we already had 2 other dogs. She immediately took to Bob’s strength and I know she has missed him terribly these past six months. We also have a dog Sandy who I am not so thankful for…she is a strange dog and pees in the house routinely, but I know Alex adores her, so I guess I have to be thankful for that.

Our Home – It is definitely a home. You won’t find any white furniture or neatly organized rooms in our house, but I know my family feels at ease here, which was a major objective. Bob and I wanted a home where our four children who had experienced death and divorce, would feel surrounded in love. Our TVS aren’t flatscreens and our couches have tears, our carpets have stains, but it is home. I figure once the kids are grown, we’ll get a nice condo somewhere and have white furniture…well, maybe not the white furniture part.

Good Health – It is so easy to take your health for granted, so I really try to routinely acknowledge my physicality and thank my body when it performs when I need it to. When I am injured, I see it as my body’s way of telling me to take a break. I am so very thankful for the health of my husband, kids and family. I do not know how parents of sick children do it.

My Strength -- Both physical and mental. I am thrilled that at 37 I am in the best shape of my life - stronger, leaner and determined.

That I am no longer doing fitness competitions – My last show was two years ago last week. Although I enjoyed the shows while doing them, the fallout afterward was something I was not expecting nor prepared for. I spent months preparing and dieting only to be disappointed when subjective judges marked me as average. Yes, I won a smaller show and loved the fun and attention, but I did not love the sense of failure and frustration as the pounds came back on and I no longer had a show to prepare for. When you have 8% body fat, anything more than that feels fat. It has taken me these two years to find my happy body weight and physique, without a show. It just isn’t worth it for me. So when I recently had two competitors approach me with the same post-show blues, I felt such incredible gratitude that I now have a healthier perspective. Instead of staying focused because of a show, I stay focused by eating what feels good and staying away from processed foods. As I see my former competitor friends posting pics from the show on FB and get a tinge of jealousy, but I know what is in store for many of them – binging, bloating and frustration.

Technology – I am so appreciative of technology -- email, cell phones and satellite. These tools have kept me in daily contact with Bob. I only wish we could Skype! But I don’t focus on that, again trying to just be thankful for what we DO have. Wasn’t that long in the past when people were using letters to communicate with their deployed loved ones. I also love my iPhone for all its apps, making my life simpler and more organized. And I am thankful for my DVR – I love not feeling bound to the TV. Lastly, I feel like I couldn't live without my laptop, where I work, write and connect.

Good Food – Food is plentiful and available for me and my family. I know that is not the case for everyone. I feel guilty and glutinous when I let food spoil. I am especially thankful for chocolate chip cookies (baking some today), blackberries, apples, good dark chocolate and red wine...oh and Jane's sweet potato casserole!

Water – after seeing a segment on the lack of water available after the Haitian earthquake, I am more thankful of the running water that just magically comes out of the faucet.

The Little Things -- contact lenses, Nike Frees, my new Soda Stream, quiet Sunday mornings, colorful sunsets, flat irons, seat belts, the stepmill, Victoria's Secret clothes that fit me well.

Writing – I am so, so thankful for writing. Just writing this post has made me feel calm, in tune and happier. This year, I discovered how cathartic writing is for me and I’ve connected with people on an entirely new level. I put myself out there and hoped that people liked what I wrote. I was rewarded with a wealth of support and love. I use writing for my own healing and it works, but I'm also glad that others can benefit.

The Bottom Line -- I'm thankful for Bob and our life together. He truly completes me (yes, cheesy Jerry McGuire reference) and has made me a better woman. I love him with all my heart and he will be missed tonight as we go around the dinner table saying what we are all thankful for. I'll do my best not to cry, but no guarantees. Heck, I'm tearing up now as I close this last post.

Forward or Back?

I met with a friend today who is reentering the corporate workforce after our shared layoff in February. Hearing her news made me pause and feel a little envious. I had to ask myself what I envied and it ultimately boiled down to the paycheck. These feelings made me question whether I was doing the right thing pursuing my passions and not a six-digit salary.

I got home, checked email and had received DailyOm's Today's Inspiration email with a title "A Moment of Choice." DailyOm has this uncanny ability to send just the right sentiment at the right time. Today's Inspiration discussed the benefits of starting something new -- exactly what I needed to hear. I am on a new path, one that is rewarding and fulfilling. I wish my friend a bounty of luck, but am confident that I am moving in the right direction.

Cresting the Deployment Hump

To many of you, this image means nothing, but to me, this is the image I have been waiting for for the last 106 days. I knew if I could just make it to this day, I would make it through. Today marks the half way point on this deployment journey -- today is Hump Day.

When I go running and come to a hill, I increase speed and charge up it with my head down. I want it to be over as quickly as possible and don’t want to see how much more torture I have left. Once at the top, I take a deep breath and enjoy coasting down the other side. Unfortunately, with a deployment, there is no speeding up to end the misery early, but my philosophy remains the same -- keep my head down until I crest. Today, I am cresting. Ahhh, I like the view from up here. I can see the Fall, the kids’ return to school, my working again, holidays and best of all I can see my sweetie on the pier.

The first half of the deployment was definitely challenging for me. Summer’s lack of routine and structure made the time just crawl by. The silver lining? All that down time brought the kids and me closer. However, I think we have all had enough bonding time and are ready for school, work and busier lives.

If the first half was harder for me, the second half will surely be harder for Bob. Our three oldest kids have big milestone birthdays coming up -- Robb turns 18 next Saturday, Alex has her Sweet 16 in October and in November John turns 21. Add in Robb’s senior year of football, apple picking (and my amazing apple bread), Navy Football, Halloween trick or treating with Rubes and well, let’s just stop there because it is kind of depressing to think about all that Bob will miss out on this year. But every time I start feeling sorry for myself (or Bob), I think of all the soldiers in Afghanistan on 18 month tours and I feel lucky that Bob is only gone for seven months. In just 106 days, I’ll be snuggling on the couch with my husband getting ready for an extra special Christmas celebration. Let the downhill coasting begin.

Wo Xiang Ni

Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for email, but after months of writing Bob, I just felt disconnected this week. There are only so many ways to say "I miss you" without sounding whiny. So, I looked up how to say I miss you in a variety of different languages. Something about compiling the list and reading through it immediately made me feel better and feel closer to Bob and to all those people in the world who are also missing their loved ones for whatever reason. Here is the list, starting with the one I already knew:

Mandarin
Wo xiang ni

Arabic
Eshatetelak

Iraqi
Wahashtook

Russian
Ya po tebe skuchau

Afgani
Delam barat tang shode

Iranian
Delam baraat tange

Japanese
Anata ga i naku te sabishii desu

Korean
Dangsin-ibogo sipseubnida

Malay
Saya rindu awak

Nepali
Maile tmilai miss gareko chu

Filipino
Miss kita

Sinhalese
El lique o latope

Thai
Chan khidthung thex

Urdu
Aaapki kami mehsoos hoti hai

Hindi
Muje tumhari yaadh aa rahi hai

Tamil
Nee illaamal thavikkiren

Telugu
Nenu nee premaku duramouthunnanu

Kannada
Ninna nenapu kaadtaa ide

Malayalam
Ninne nyan miss cheiyunnu

Punjabi
Mennu yaadan teriyaan aaondiyaan ne

Bengali
Ami tomake onek miss kori

Marathi
Malaa tujhi faar aathvan yete

Gujarati
Mein tane miss karti che

Assamese
Apu'nak MIss Ko'risu

Vietnamese
Toi nho ban

Persian
Delam barat tang shode

Indonesian
Aku rindu kamu

Uzbek
Man seni sogindim

Samoa
Oute alofa ia te o'e

Cambodian
Oun nirk bong

Azeri
Senin ucun darixiram

Hebrew
Ani Mitga'ahge'ah/at Eleha/ Ela'ih

Kurdish
Birt akam

Turkish
seni ozledim

Laos
Koey keud haut jow

Khmer
Kor-yom neck oun

Mangolian
Roland gadeyne

Dhivehi
Varah handhaanve

Tagalog
Nangungulila ako sa iyo
Swahili
Ninakukosa

Somali
Waan ku tabayaa

Afrikaans
Ek verlang jou

Kabyle
Hemleghk

Kisii
Nindakobore

Oromo
Hedduudhuman si yaade

German
Ich vermisse dich

French
Tu me manques

Italian
Mi manchi

Spanish
Te echo de menos

Galician
Sinto saudades de ti

Portuguese
Sinto saudades de voce

Romanian
Mi-e dor de tine

Dutch
Ik mis je

Swedish
Jag saknar dig

Danish
Jeg savner dig

Norwegian
Jeg savner deg

Polish
Tesknie za toba

Finnish
Mina kaipaan sinua

Greek
Mou leipeis

Hungarian
Hianyzol

Croatian
Nedostajes mi

Czech
Chybis mi

Bulgarian
Lipsvash mi

Slovak
Chybas mi

Slovenian
Pogresam te

Maltese
Inhoss in-nuqqas tieghek

Ukrainian
Ya po tebe skuchayu

Welsh
Rwy'n gweld dy eisiau di

Estonian
Ma igatsen sind

Albanian
Me mungon

Armenian
Yes karotelem kez

Irish
Airim uaim thu

Turkish
Seni ozledim

Macedonian
Mi nedostigas

Lithuanian
Ilgiuosi taves

Latvian
Man tevis pietrukst

Serbian
Uzeleo sam te se

Belarusian
Ya pa tabye sumuyu

Catalan
Et trobo a faltar

Icelandic
Eg sakna pin

Closing Doors

We’ve all heard the saying…”one door closes, another one opens.” It is usually said by some well meaning friend trying to soften the blow of one of life’s disappointments. What I’ve found, is that sometimes you have to close one door in order for another door to open. Something about too many doors being open at one time creates a draft, but I don’t think that is the point I’m trying to make. My point is that sometimes we are holding ourselves back and we need to let go of the old to let in the new.

For months after being laid off, I fervently pursued a position in my old profession. My desire was obviously to return to what I knew, but also to return to the salary I knew. I went on multiple interviews that seemed to go well, but after receiving no offers, I had to take a hard look at myself and my future. I had to realize that the Fates were guiding me in a new direction and I needed to listen. When I finally decided to stop moving in the old direction and start moving towards what I truly wanted and have wanted for years, a career in wellness, things started happening for me.

My biggest hurdle was my own fear of rejection and not feeling credible enough. But in the past few months, I went from saying “maybe” or “if” to “I am” and “when”. I finally started owning my future and started talking about my passions with confidence and belief in myself. Funny thing happened -- other people started to believe in me too. Now I can feel my positive energy radiating outward and that of others coming back at me from all angles. I had three interviews last week with incredible, like-minded fitness professionals and left feeling alive. What a sharp contrast to the feelings I got and gave off at the many Corporate America interviews.

I like to think it was Fate preventing me from getting those other jobs, but maybe subconsciously I sabotaged myself with an undercurrent of disinterest and disdain that the interviewers sensed. I went to one interview and was literally crying on the way there, contemplating the commute and the daily grind. Red flag? Hell yes! And to my credit, I did listen to those feelings and am now reaping the rewards of doing so. I closed the door to my past career and the door to my future opened.

Lessons from Eat Pray Love

I saw Eat Pray Love tonight. In the past, movies like this would upset me, making me feel inadequate, settled and overly nested. They would motivate me to action and encourage me to change. But not this time. This time, I am already moving. I am already changing. I am in true, passionate, soul mate love. This time, the movie just reinforced what I am already discovering. I didn't leave feeling the "shoulds" (I should do this or I should do that). I left saying, I am solid, loved and embracing the real me.

Two hours later, I'm still moved. The only other movie that left me with this churn in my stomach was Titanic. I haven't let out the emotion yet, but I can feel the tears coming. There are many lessons in the movie, which I'm still digesting. Here are just a few...

"You don't need a man, you need a champion."
How true. Any guy can fill your bed, but every woman needs a man who has her back. A man who will protect her, even if she doesn't need protecting. I am so thankful that I found mine.

Eat and don't feel guilty.
Ugh, this one I still struggle with.

Until you are solid alone, you can't be solid partnered.
A woman needs to be able to be alone, before she can be together. If you can't go to the movies alone without feeling self conscious, you should consider being single for a while. This is why all us idiots who got married in our twenties often question our decision...because we had no flippin' clue about who we were in our twenties and we certainly weren't solid alone.

Everyone needs a good pair of aviator sunglasses
Julia Roberts exudes positive energy and organic hotness, all the way down to her aviators. Is it the sunglasses or the internal peace? I'm thinking the latter.

Leap and cross over.
I'm leaping. I'm taking chances and they are paying off. I have given my heart to someone, knowing it is safe and I have no fear of losing myself. New experiences are on the horizon and I am not afraid.

And to any critics who didn't love the movie...they are either too young to understand or too old and set in their ways. For all of us balancing our thirties, you'll love this movie and you'll be inspired.

A Quick Exercise in Gratitude

I had lunch with a great friend yesterday and our conversation turned to thankfulness. It reminded me of a quick exercise I try to do every now and then, especially when I feel myself being overly negative.

Just make a list of A to Z and fill in what you are thankful for. The key is to move quickly and not over think it. Here is my list for today:

A – Apples (Apple season is coming! I love the Fall)
B – Bob
C – Calling (Feeling like I am finding my calling and going after it is invigorating)
D – Drinking Wine (having red wine at Blue Ridge on Saturday was wonderfully peaceful and soothing)
E – Eggbeaters (simple, easy, healthy)
F – Football season (means Bob will be home in a few months)
G – Gmail (my main communication connection to my sweetie)
H – Hazel (my new kitty is a blessing - loving, affectionate and adorable)
I – Institute for Integrative Nutrition (my new school started last week and I already can tell that I'm in the right place)
J – Jif crunch peanut butter (only thing better is almond butter, which I cannot keep in the house)
K – The King (Bob, again)
L – Love (Bob, again)
M – My Man (Bob, again…seeing a pattern? Perhaps…and yes, absence at least makes the heart grow crazier)
N – Nuts (crunchy good fat, keeps me from feeling deprived)
O – Oxygen magazine (a great magazine for healthy, strong women)
P – Panera (free wireless)
Q – Quiet (5am rocks sometimes)
R – Rubes
S – Summer (love the heat and being warm, not having to bundle up and freeze or shovel. This one is particularly important because all summer I’ve just waiting for it to be over, to signal the ½ way point in Bob’s deployment. This type of thinking goes completely against my own attempts and yoga’s teachings to just live in the moment. So, I need to be thankful for and remember all the goodness in Summer while it is here because before I know it, I’ll be cold again)
T – Telephone (allows for long talks with my Mom, and also another connection to Bob. Boy how we take this now simple technology for granted.)
U – Underway (this period with Bob underway is so important to his career, health and well being. It is also providing for our family)
V – Vagina (okay, sorry if any guys actually read my blog, but this is not a naughty word...plus, V words are a little challenging to come up with. And I am thankful for the healthy relationship I have with mine)
W – Wine (love a glass, or two or three, of good red or white)
X – Ex (glad we put Ruby first and that there hasn’t been much drama lately)
Y – yoga (thrilled that I’ve come back to yoga)
Z – Zeal (what a blessing to feel enthusiasm for my new career path. I feel alive and invigorated)

Studies show that those who practice gratitude tend to be happier. I know after my A-Z exercise, I feel better and more positive already.

Acknowledge Me, Please

Rubes and I took the pups for a walk tonight. As we strolled, a jogger approached. She was about my age, headphones on and "in her zone" I suspect. Without a smile, eye contact or a simple hello, she ran by. I shook my head and sighed. That kind of behavior just boggles my mind. She obviously saw us and had to realize that we saw her. Yet, she didn't make even the slightest effort to acknowledge us, or more fundamentally, to connect with other human beings. Even dogs sniff each other or bark when passing.

I've vented about this before in my Facebook status. At AOL, there was this long corridor between buildings. It always amazed me how many times people would pass by like zombies. So often I felt like yelling out "I SEE YOU!" just to see what they would do.

When I go for a run, I make a point to say hello or at least wave at people. I remember years ago, seeing a woman running who looked so miserable, I wondered why she was running at all. If it is that bad, go for a walk instead. The change in pace might allow that grimace to disappear. I don't particularly love running and certainly don't feel all that great doing it (usually feel great after it is over), but many times I will force a smile mid-run even if I don't feel like it. Amazingly, I start feeling less uncomfortable. And I especially make a point to say hello when running uphill and someone is coming down...no way I'm letting anyone think the hill got the best of me.

Seems to me that there are two types of people in the world -- those that emit energy and those that suck it up. The emitters, give off a positive vibe and pull you in. You feel good around them. They don't scowl, they smile. They connect with you, whether it is through their eyes, gestures or words. They certainly say hello when passing. I strive to be an emitter and that is who I want to be around. Heck, kind eyes are what first drew me to my husband.

As I venture out into my new wellness coaching business, it is critical that I am an emitter, able to draw folks in. I've seen my share of people in the fitness industry who really stink at this skill. At the gym, some of the personal trainers I see every day will walk by without a glance. I would never train with them...if you don't have the cojones to look me in the eye, there is no way I'm putting my faith in you. On the opposite end of the spectrum are those who make an effort, smile and say hello. Those are the ones I would work with.

So tonight, as the jogger passed by, I made a point to talk to Ruby about how it is important to make eye contact and acknowledge others. I explained how not only does it show confidence, but it also shows kindness and humanity. Later in our walk, a young boy rode by us on his bicycle. He said hello and Ruby looked up and said hello back. Lesson learned.

Flowing Again

If you haven't noticed, I've been struggling a little lately with blogging. The urge to write has been lacking and I'm not sure why. Maybe I haven't been moved or maybe I'm too busy, consumed with studying for my personal training certification exam at the end of this month. Part of it has to be that I exchange a lot of email with Bob throughout the day since it is our only mode of communication and connection. But truly, I think it is that I feel this need to make every post a complete essay or story, not just a quick commentary. Thankfully, my good friend Lara reminded me today of a core mantra for bloggers -- "perfect is the opposite of done." In that spirit...

I started this post last night as I watched So You Think You Can Dance. Just when I thought I had nothing to write about, a tribute to Denise Jefferson, director of the Alvin Ailey dance school who died recently of ovarian cancer, touched me. While watching this brief segment, I was struck with three strong thoughts: 1) Ms. Jefferson obviously loved what she did for a living, 2) she made a difference and 3) she was born in the same year as my Mother.

People who love their work inspire me. They have a glow about them, like they just know they are in the right place doing the right thing. It doesn't seem like work at all. I don't remember many of those types of people at AOL. Yeah, we all liked the money, but displays of true joy? Nope...none. The cynic in me says we can't all do what we love; there are bills to pay. But the new, balanced, laid off, inspired Koren says yes, we can. I am committed to no longer doing just what pays the bills, but doing what I love and making a living. I'm sure I'll have to compromise somewhere along the way, but it will be worth it.

It was also apparent that Ms. Jefferson impacted so many lives with her work. Not sure if it is the Aquarius in me or just an inner drive, but I have always wanted to make a difference. I want to help people and make their lives better. My career up to this point has failed miserably in this department and I am determined to change that. When I die, heck, even along the way, I want to know that I changed the world in some small way.

Lastly, hearing that someone my Mother's age died of ovarian cancer made me reflective and thankful. Ms. Jefferson was stunning; the kind of woman you imagine growing old and gray with grace. The kind of woman I want to be. Seeing her taken too soon was a reminder. I am blessed to have a wonderfully strong, amazing Mom as my role model, friend and sounding board. I don't tell her enough and I certainly don't thank the fates often enough for her continued good health. It is so easy to take it for granted until something happens. So, I said an extra "thank you" last night for me and my loved ones' continued wellness.

Crazy how a one-minute segment can get the words flowing...well, a one-minute segment and a gentle nudge from a good friend.

Reassessing 2010

Today marks the end of the first half of 2010. Amazingly, the year is already (or only) half over. I have experienced tremendous growth and change in these past six months...

• I've been laid off and looking for work for way longer than I expected to be.
• My husband deployed to the Gulf. We've been separated now for 40 days with 172 left to go.
  
• I changed course on school, abandoning the traditional path for one that feels so incredibly right.
• I've been working on starting my own business.
• I truly embraced clean eating and am loving the results.
• For the first time in my entire life, I am content with my body. No need to lose weight or change. Just trying to maintain the status quo, while enjoying good food and good company.
• I feel more connected with my friends and attribute much of my mental well-being to their presence and support.
• I've started blogging, albeit slacking in the month of June.
  

Tomorrow marks the start of the second half of 2010. What a great time to reassess my goals for the year and predict what the rest of 2010 bring...

• My husband will return home.
• I will continue writing more regularly. I may even take a writing class through NOVA.
  
• My new adventure with the Institute for Integrative Nutrition will begin in August.
• Robb begins his senior year at Stone Bridge, getting ready to leave the nest.
  
• I'll get my personal training certification and launch my wellness coaching business (more to come on this one).
• Alex will get her driver's license. Two teen drivers in one home may just put me over the edge.
  
• We'll likely be adding a new member in our family...a kitten. (More to come on this one, too!)
  

The Pool Dilemma

I am not a water person. I can swim, I just choose not to. So this time of year is always a challenge -- how do I navigate the pool season with a seven year old without having to get wet?

My Dad will tell you that he still has scars on his back from my childhood swimming lessons. As far back as I can remember, I have feared water. Getting tossed around as a toddler by the scary “bumps” (my childhood word for waves) probably didn’t help. I don’t even like it when Ruby is in the bath tub.

I have become my Mother in the pool. Swimming with my head out of water, trying to protect my not-natural-but-wishes-it-was blond investment. Hair is just one obstacle. Contact lenses are the other. Being blind without them and unable to open my eyes underwater with them, makes swimming rather mundane. I end up standing around a lot hoping none of the little rapscallions splash me. Yet my biggest problem with water is the temperature. I love hot tubs or overheated pools. It is just the frigid ocean or unheated pools that I’m not a big fan of. I’m cold from the minute I walk in until I’ve dried off completely…and I’m typically cold to start with. Yes, even when it is 85 degrees, I’d rather sweat than get into the water. I have the nickname Kitten for a reason…unless I am roasting, no water for me.

I tell people about my aversion to water and they say “Aren’t you an Aquarian?” Yes, I am. But Aquarius is an AIR sign. We pour water, not swim in it. Ruby is a Pisces and loves the water. Thankfully, I have not tainted her with my fears and lack of enthusiasm.

Don’t get me wrong, I like being near water. The beach is one of my favorite places -- sitting on the deck gazing out at the ocean with a pina colada is just divine. And the feeling of water and sand squishing through my toes is one of my favorites. Just please don’t force me to go in.

I never wanted to be one of those moms who wouldn’t play. You know the type – sitting on the park bench while their children run around. On dry land, I love getting out there and being active with Rubes, but at the pool I’d rather just sit on the side dangling my feet. Sadly, this approach typically results in a steady drone of “play with me” and “why aren’t you coming in?” I think the best tool in my anti-pool arsenal would be to make sure Rubes always has a friend to swim with. But even then, I can’t truly relax. If she is in the water, I feel this mother bear instinct to be nearby. My eyes don't leave her for more than a few seconds. I'm guessing that even when she is 19, if she swimming, I will be on alert.



For the past few years, my pool season solution was Bob. Another Pisces, he is my swimming savior. I sit on the side, getting sun and keeping my feet in to stay cool while he plays games with Rubes, tossing her around, letting me off the hook. No such luck this summer. I feel his absence everywhere, every day, but especially at the pool.

This year, I guess I’m stuck sucking it up and getting into the dang pool. Sometimes, I’ll even get my hair wet, which will result in pure joy on Ruby’s part and will have her talking about it for days like I achieved some great feat. This is a sacrifice I will make to keep my girl happy. I know there will come a day in the not-too-distant future when she doesn’t want to swim with me at all. When that day comes, I'll be sad (for a moment) and nostalgic, while lounging on a poolside chaise nice and dry.

Thoughts on Day 1

I am sad but relieved.  Now that Bob is gone, there is no more anticipation.  He is just gone and now I do what needs to be done.  It is like when you are told you need surgery…the days leading up to the surgery suck, but once you have the anesthesia, all is fine.  Numb, I feel numb.  Thus, this post is just a stream of consciousness.

As I wrote on Facebook earlier today, the deployment needed to begin so that I could start focusing on the end.  Now, if only I knew when Bob would be returning.  Then we can start counting the days backward.  

Oh and back home in Ashburn, we’re off to a rockin’ start.  Little parking lot fender bender tonight by our teen driver.  Welcome to single parenting Koren!

The house was exceptionally quiet today.  All the kids are gone.  Ruby is at Dad’s and the teens are out.  John is working.  Much needed alone time for me to decompress.   I went to the gym at 6pm to distract myself from Bob’s absence.  Usually he would come home on Friday night and we would be snuggled on the couch, watching a movie while he rubbed my feet.  Need to get me one of those foot massager baths.   

Miraculously, my neck is better today, post-workout.  Was it just stress?

It hit me as I left the gym tonight that what I will miss most are the little things.  As I drove off, I had this urge to call Bob to let him know I was on my way home.  No joy.  And when the kids and I got home from Norfolk this afternoon, I had to unpack the car and carry the bags inside.  Bob treats me like a princess and I am spoiled. I’ll certainly appreciate it even more come December. 

I feel strong. Strong and numb. I am determined not to wallow.  I’m sure people will get tired of my sappy whining.  Heck, I’m already tired of it and I’m the one doing it. 

Lastly, I am so very thankful .  Partially for email, a gift from the heavens.  I had two emails waiting for me when I got home from the drive back.  How amazing is that?  In the good ole days, spouses wouldn’t hear from their deployed mates for weeks.  And I get an email within hours?  Lucky me.  But mostly, I am thankful for my incredible network of friends and family.  Support and love abound.  I am blessed.

Proud with a Good Dose of Envy

I am heading to Norfolk this morning to say goodbye to my husband as he and five thousand of his fellow servicemen deploy to the Gulf with Carrier Strike Group Ten.  In true military fashion, I don't even know when he'll be home.  Before Christmas is about all I have right now, but I am hoping for before Thanksgiving.

I am filled with a wealth of emotions...

Loneliness -- Bob is my partner, my lover, my husband and my best friend.  I am dependent on him physically as he rubs me down at night and mentally as he supports my unemployment woes and parenting dilemmas.  My Mom (a highly independent woman), would probably argue that I am overly dependent, but I know that my heart is safe with Bob.  I have let down my guard and have been rewarded with a connection so powerful that at times, we don't need words.  Bob is my rock and I will miss him terribly.

Sadness -- The image of me waving goodbye on the pier set to Come Home Soon by SHeDAISY  keeps playing in my head.  A summer alone with the kids.  Foregoing our annual Duck vacation.  Kids' birthdays celebrated without Dad.  I know this is the Navy life, but I can't help feeling melancholy about it. 

Freedom - Yeah, I said it.  And Bob knows it too.  Being alone ain't all bad.  The fine balance a couple finds by accommodating their other half can be thrown to the wind temporarily.  I control the thermostat!  And although Bob never interferes with my Aquarian need for me time, now I can study and workout without the seductive draw of spending time with my sweetie.  Yes, this is me trying to find the silver lining in this cruddy deployment cloud.  I will happily give up all these freedoms the second Bob steps back on that pier later this year (well, maybe not the thermostat control).  And how much freedom can one really have with four kids and two dogs? 

Fear -- I guess I have a naive false perception of safety since Bob will be embarked on the carrier for majority of the time.  I am not completely panicked like I would be if he was an infantryman in Afghanistan.  I don't know how those families cope.  At least we'll have email and some phone connectivity.  That all being said, if a day or two goes by and I don't hear from him, expect me to be a complete wreck.  I am not religious, but I am asking and will keep asking the fates for Bob's safe return.  I cannot imagine my life, my family, without him.  He is our big toe.  

More Fear -- Not for Bob's safety, but for my sanity!  Job hunting + summer break with four kids (ages 20 to 7) = craziness.  Thankfully, I've had the last year of geobatching (Bob in Norfolk during the week, home on weekends) to prepare me for this. 

Envy -- Bob loves what he does.  He will tell you he was born to drive ships, but I think he was born to lead.  I envy his passion and his unwavering commitment to what he does for a living.  He actually enjoys what he does and it is evident when he is in his element.  I've never had that (although I am finally on the right path).  I also envy his ability to venture out on this exciting journey.  Yes, I know it would not be possible without my support at home and no, I would not want to live on a big ship in the middle of the ocean for months and months, but it is still hard to be the one left behind.  I continue with the same old day-to-day, while he gets an exciting adventure. 

Excited -- Bob uses deployments as time to refocus and detox.  He typically loses weight and adopts healthier habits.  I am eager to see what this deployment brings for him and his overall wellness.  

Proud -- Above all, I am proud.  I love my Navy man and all that comes with it.  This is what he does, what we do.  His career is masculine and primal.  I sometimes lose perspective when he is at home doing laundry or cutting the grass, but when I see him being saluted by junior officers or see him commanding a room with his presence and wit, I am reminded that my man is the Commodore.  My fundamental feminine ways get all aflutter thinking of him being in charge (and wearing his hot, blue camis!). 

I've often said that I think the pre-deployment will likely be worse than the deployment.  Anticipating Bob's leaving is harder than him being gone.  I can't say I'm eager for him to leave, but I am ready.  So at 9am tomorrow, I will wave goodbye, knowing that on Saturday morning we will be one day closer to him being back home where he belongs.

Top 10 Things I Learned on My Spring Cleanse

On April 22, I started a 21 day cleanse, primarily to break my dependence on Coke Zero and Trident Pina Colada gum.  Of course, I hoped to lose a few pounds in the process.  Three weeks later I have no desire for my former vices, and I've lost 5.5 lbs. Improved sleep and elimination, as well as clearer skin and a positive vibe were all benefits, but I also learned the following:   

10.  A break is good for the body and the mind.  The past few months have been pretty stressful, so I am thrilled that I took the opportunity to take a mental breather and just focus on sweeping out the old, making room for the new.  Also, I've been working out hard for years with only a few consecutive days off.  My body was pooped and I needed time to regroup and recommit.  After three weeks of yoga and easy cardio, I am craving a tough workout, ready to get back to my old faves of Spinning, Stepmill intervals and heavy lifting.

9.  Bikram is really, really hot and isn't like any other type of yoga I've ever done.  When I went to my first class, the instructor asked me if I had done Bikram before.  I responded proudly, "I've done Ashtanga and Hatha yoga."  His response (in a catty, bitchy tone) was "oh, then you haven't done Bikram" and he was right.  That first class was tough and it truly felt like a sauna in the room.  Sweat poured, which I loved for the detoxifying benefits.  I like being warm, but when one of my classes hit 120 degrees, it was a little much for me. I kept thinking, now I know what a chicken feels like in the oven.  Also, I didn't realize that in Bikram the same 26 static postures are repeated in the same order every class.  Yes, this does create a rhythm and routine, but I missed the flows of my past classes.  I also missed the wonderful aroma of incense since the  Bikram studio smelled of old sweat like a gym locker room.

8.  Toasted walnuts are delicious.  Crunchy nuggets of good fat.  They are even a little sweet, which I can now discern because my taste buds aren't dulled by sugarless gum. 

7.  I cannot have almond butter in the house.  Organic, salt free nut butters were fair game, but I just kept finding myself dipping my spoon back in for more.  Thus, I ended up throwing a 1/2 eaten jar away in week two.

6.  Confirmed again that weight loss is more about diet than exercise.  Even though I cut back on tough cardio, skipped the heart rate monitor and didn't lift even one dumbell, I lost the five pounds I've been struggling with for months.  Skipping cheats and restaurant meals on weekends made the real difference on the scale.  Plus, with limited sodium and no crappy carbs, I am not retaining water weight.

5.  Colon therapy (a colonic) is interesting, cleansing and not something I want to do very often.  Will spare readers the details on this one.

4.  Cutting caffeine was easier than cutting salt.  Even though I am not a coffee drinker, I did have some caffeine withdrawal.  But the banging headache subsided by Day 4, whereas I craved salt until, well, today.  I never realized how much I salt my food and how much it changes the flavor (for the better).  As I transition to a more maintainable diet, I will bring some salt back in, but need to be more conscious of how much I use.   

3.  Having previously done fitness show prep diets, the cleanse wasn't actually that bad.  I didn't feel deprived because I had nuts, oils and fruit to satisfy me.  Plus, I chose to go through this process and so I didn't have any desire to cheat.  In show prep, I would cheat at least once every two weeks.  The cleanse was different...I felt I would be cheating on myself.  I didn't want to break the momentum and have to start over again.

2.  Trying new things is fun!  Here are just a few of the new things I tried over these 21 days:

• Vanilla Rooibos tea from Starbucks - it is yummy and nutty.  
• Broccoli Rabe (or rapini) -- a little bitter, but I felt healthier just eating it.  Wegman's sells it in bags, ready to cook.  
• Drinking hot water, lemon & cayenne first thing in the morning...a habit I will likely continue. 
• Fruit only for breakfast -- refreshing and light.  I have a new appreciation for bananas.   
• Amaranth --tasty, especially with toasted walnuts (see #8) thrown in.  
• Bikram (see #10).  
• Colonics (see #4).     
• Cleanse Elixirs -- mixes of fresh juices, grated ginger, fresh garlic, oils and cayenne.  Not too bad aside from the resulting horrible breath and the 300+ calories spent on something that wasn't very satisfying.  Tried not to focus on the caloric expenditure, but rather the detoxifying benefits. 

1.  When I set my mind to something, I do it.  Coke Zero and gum will no longer control me.  Now, I just have to figure out what I want to keep in, bring back in and what will stay out.

Thank you Amy at VitalSelf for being my guide and for being so supportive.   I highly recommend trying a cleanse to anyone struggling with their own vices or toxins, be it food, people or stress.

Changing Course on Traditional Thinking

I was raised to follow the rules.  When I took a lie detector test for the Army, the administrator told me that my "Momma must have raised me right."  I cannot lie without sweating and my pulse racing.  When I approach a problem, I typically take proven avenues to solve it.  So when I decided that I wanted to study nutrition, of course I choose the established, known path.  I decided to become a registered dietitian through an accredited state university (Kansas State) and the American Dietetic Association.  That the program would take me years to complete and included a long, unpaid internship were not deterrents.  Knowing that I would have a legitimate diploma and recognized certification at the end of the process was driving me.  Yet these past few months of job turmoil have forced me to question many of my past decisions and ask, what is the career path that will take me to where I will be happiest personally and professionally? 

One of the questions I keep coming back to is what is my ideal work?  I know I want to help people find health and wellness through exercise and improved nutrition.  Do I need to be an RD to do this?  Are there alternative ways to educate myself?  There are, but these alternative approaches go against my rule following nature and feel less legitimate on some levels.   

The program I'm now considering is the Institute for Integrative Nutrition.  The IIN program is a year long and ends with a Holistic Health Counselor certification. I had looked into this school previously and now they offer a distance only program.  It is affordable and convenient.  Plus, my former boss, guru, mentor and current cleanse guide is a graduate from there.  Another former AOL colleague is also a graduate.

So the next question that keeps coming up -- can I achieve what I want to with this alternative degree or do I need to be an RD?  My passions lie more on the side of coaching and wellness, than in clinical nutrition.  My intention was never to work in a hospital or a nursing home.  I want to help people.  The people who inspire me most aren't necessarily the most officially accreditted.  I am trying to let go of this old Koren way of thinking that requires me to follow tradition, but I keep being pulled down by doubt.

Part of my apprehension is not wanting to quit on the program I've just spent 15 months preparing for.  I've struggled through Chemistry and Biology, only to shift course now?  Will people judge me and think I am a quitter who took the easy way out?  Do I care what those people think?

A few years back I saw a counselor about a major problem I was struggling with.  I kept asking her "how will I know for sure?"  And she told me, "Koren, you know what you know."  Yes, I know it sounds ridiculously simple, but she helped me see that I just needed to trust in my inner voice (which ended up being right).

When I follow my instincts and not self doubt or traditional thinking, I always feel like I've done the right thing.  The "right thing" might not be exactly what I planned, but I end up learning, growing and moving forward.

Coming Together

It was late and I had just settled into bed to watch The Good Wife On Demand.  I heard a knock on my door and it was Robb, my middle stepson, wanting to talk about weight lifting supplements.  Honestly, I just wanted to turn off the light and go to bed, but I have learned one very valuable lesson in the last few years – you listen when teens want to talk.  Even if it is late and you are tired.  This is especially true with Robb, who isn’t quick to open up.  So, I paused my show and talked about carbs, protein and mass building (thankfully, a topic I like).  It only took ten minutes out of my day and I smiled knowing my family was finally coming together.

There was a time when I wondered if my version of the Brady Bunch would ever blend.  Many days included awkward silences, eye rolling (I still get that) and raised voices.  But in the last year, there is more laughter, smiles and late night chats.  This was no easy feat with all the different emotional hurdles we faced.  I am divorced and share custody of my seven year old daughter.  Bob is a widower with three teens.  When we met they were 11, 13 and 16.  I almost ran screaming for the hills, but Alex (the youngest) welcomed me with open arms.  She is so intuitive for a young girl.  I feared her potential Daddy issues would become a wedge between Bob and me, but amazingly she didn’t have any.

This year I have noticed a major shift in our family dynamic, for the better.  I can’t put my finger on what made the difference.  When Bob told me he would be geobatching (serving Monday through Friday in Norfolk, coming home on weekends), I’m not sure who was more terrified – me or the kids.  But truly, I’ve never felt more happy about my connection with my stepchildren.  Maybe having Bob away forced the kids and I to address issues head on.  Or maybe it was bringing John back into the house.  Originally, I thought it would push me over the edge, but then I saw the sense of wholeness that it gave Alex and Robb, resulting in an even stronger feeling of family.  Or maybe it was Bob and I getting married last May.  Everyone knows we’re stuck together now.  Well, whatever it was/is, I’m thankful.    

It really hit me a few weeks ago when the whole clan piled into the Sequoia and went to visit the Georgetown Campus.  We strolled, chatted and laughed.  No tension.  What a relief!  And just last night, I sat with Rubes, Al and John playing Clue while Bob made dinner and Robb studied nearby.

When Bob and I first started dating, I bought a ton of books on stepparenting.  One said it would take four years for our blended family to feel like, well, a family.  Four years?  That seemed like an eternity!  But the days have passed fairly quickly (some more quickly than others) and we are definitely coming out the other side.

Shoulding On Myself at the Playground

Seems like as moms, we are always feeling guilty about something.  If we work, we feel like we should stay home.  If we stay home, we feel like we should be entertaining our children and that they should be constantly stimulated and educated.  Life coach Margie Warrell calls it "shoulding on ourselves" and I am certainly an expert.  My latest bout of shoulds came this week.

My daughter has a lot of siblings - steps, halves - but none are her age.  Her steps are all older and her half is much younger.  So this leaves her having to play alone a lot.  Or out of guilt, I play with her.  Most of the time I try to endure another game of "Guess Who" or American Girl goes on a picnic, but sometimes it is just impossible.  Either there are other things to do or I am just flat out bored by it.

A few years back, a British mother admitted that she was bored to tears by her children.  When the story broke, there was a huge outcry, but I could certainly relate.  Although I don't find Ruby boring, I do find some of the games and role playing tedious.  In attempts to balance my wants and my guilt, I try to remember that there will come a day when I long for her to ask me to spend time with her.
Ruby goes through phases.  Sometimes she enjoys playing alone and other times she mopes and says "no one will play with me" repeatedly.  This week was full of the latter and I kept finding myself wishing I had another child her age.  Neither Bob nor I want more kids, and a baby wouldn't fix the problem (too young).  We'd need a 5-9 year old and I refuse to consider adopting just so I don't have to play Polly Pockets...although in the middle of what seems like an hour like play session, the thought does cross my mind. 

On Friday, the schools were off for a teacher work day and Ruby was bored.  Much to my chagrin, none of the local kids were available to play.  So Bob and I took Rubes to the park.  I was praying that one of her school friends would be there too, but no such luck.  Bob and I ended up being the playmates, which I don't mind initially.  But after an hour of "push me higher" and relay races, we were both pooped.  As we moseyed on over to a bench, Ruby sat on the jungle gym, alone, looking forlorn.  My mind immediately went to thinking that I should have played more or should have birthed her a 5 year old sibling.  The final straw came when she tried to make a new friend and the little girl ignored her.  So we left.

Shoulds are unproductive, I know.  I am always saying that guilt is a useless emotion.  Yet, with myself, I allow these feelings.  Guess that is just part of being a mom.  Deep down, I know this isn't a problem I can fix, nor should I.  Ruby will learn from these experiences how to entertain herself and to be independent.  And as I sit here writing, Ruby is in the other room making braclets out of pipecleaners and beads...by herself.

The Rhythm of the Day

This weekend, I found a collection of assorted writings that I've kept throughout the years.  Written by me or by others, they all have some personal significance.

The first, As I Watch You Sleep, was written by Diana Loomans.  I first read it when I was nursing Ruby and have reread it many times since.  In the author's words, I see myself...the impatient, curt Mother I swore I'd never be, but all too often catch myself being.  Also, I am reminded that my words and actions are powerful, especially in Ruby's world.

Many nights, I feel compelled to go back into Ruby's room after she has fallen asleep.  I marvel at her peacefulness.  I listen to her breath.  I apologize for my irritability.  I too, question where I "lost the rhythm of the day."  I thank her for teaching me and promise to do better tomorrow.  And lastly, I tell her I love her just one more time.

I hope all those who read the passage are touched by it as I have been.  It can be found in the book 100 Ways to Build Self-Esteem and Teach Values, which Ms. Loomans wrote with her daughter Julia.

Making Easter Memories

Holidays in a divorced family are stressful.  Kids are shuffled back and forth, with both parents wanting their piece of the "fun."  Growing up, my sister and I split holidays between my Mom in Michigan and my Dad in California.  Still, most of my holiday memories involve my Mom and her Mom, Grandma Helen.  These two women made holidays special and taught me how to do the same.  Christmas was Mom's, but Easter was Grandma's.

Grandma Helen is now suffering from dementia and is rather caustic, but there was a time when she was our matriarch.  It was the little things she did that I remember so fondly.  One of those sweet touches was her Easter Egg tree.  She decorated colored plastic eggs with fancy ribbons and shiny beads...this was way before glue guns and craft stores.  The eggs hung on a small tree and it was magical.

Easter meals were productions with a few traditional dishes.  The centerpiece was the baked ham with its delectable raisin sauce.  Grandma also made tiny tea sandwiches with cucumber and colored cream cheese spread in layers between crustless wonder bread.  A staple was Grandma Helen's butter curls.  I'm lucky if I can get the butter on a plate, much less curl it.  Only now that I have a family of my own and am responsible for our holiday meals can I truly appreciate Grandma Helen's efforts -- the cost, the preparation, the timing and the care.

And my Mom was no slouch on Easter either.  As the Easter Bunny's proxy, she made the most spectacular baskets, ever.  She taught me the value of good dark chocolate, versus the cheap crap you can buy at the local drugstore.  The prized stuffed bunny or chick was carefully selected for its quality, softness and appearance.  Even when I moved out, Mom still sent me wonderful Easter baskets, stopping only when she had grandchildren.  They now benefit from Grandma Dee's Easter Bunny skills.  Usually she'll include a little something for me too.

In my house, Easter is 3rd in line behind Christmas and Thanksgiving, but we do have a few annual traditions.  Easter Brunch at The Key Bridge Marriott is central to our celebration.  Upon hearing that they might not have it this year, my family went into a panic.  Thankfully, the hotel came to their senses and we have reservations.  Easter baskets are the other key essential, if only so that I can sneak some chocolate for myself.  I do my best to live up to my Mom's standards, surely falling a little short.  It is especially hard since my youngest doesn't even like chocolate.

I hate to admit it, I've gotten a little lazy with Easter.  Brunch and baskets are nonnegotiable, but all the outliers -- egg dying, egg hunts, decorating the house --have gone down the bunny trail as the kids have gotten older.  Grandma Helen would be so disappointed.  So in her honor, I'm heading to the craft store tomorrow to get all the makings for my own Easter egg tree.

Taking a Break

Spring Break starts today for my kids.  Funny thing is, doesn't change things much for me -- I’m still on the longest break from work that I’ve had since starting my first job at 15.

Twenty-two years ago, I couldn’t wait to start working, making money.  I donned a brown polyester uniform and began waiting tables at the Koney Island Inn where my sister worked.  From there, I had a lot of job titles – Wench (waitress in a wench’s costume), Student, Chinese Linguist, Interior Designer, Marketing Professional.  Over those two decades, I’ve been blessed with the ability to move between jobs without major gaps.  I’ve never had trouble getting a job, until now.

Being out of work brings about such a wealth of conflicting emotions:

• Freedom – I finally have time to do all the things I always wished I had time for.  Yes, I can sleep in, nap and take that 9:30am Spinning class.  Yet, I can’t really enjoy them.  I feel like I should constantly be looking for a job.
• Lack of purpose – I was proud of my job and my income.  Losing that and going without a replacement makes me feel a little lost.   
• Lazy – If I sleep in or take a nap, I feel like I should be getting up and doing something.  If I’m not looking for a job 24/7, I feel like I should be.  
• Lack of worth – I question my abilities and skills.  Why aren't recruiters calling and why am I not getting hired?  Why didn’t AOL want to keep me?  
• Indecision – My initial thought was to return to what I know…online marketing, but the thought of actually taking some of the jobs that I’ve applied for or commuting long distances is nauseating.  After being off for over a month, getting back into the 9 to 5 grind isn't really all that appealing.  But I don’t have the luxury of being able to stay home, so I know I must go back and not be picky.  Ugh, I hate feeling cornered.  
• Mooch -- I’ve always paid my own way and never relied on someone else to pay the bills.  I have trouble accepting being a stay-at-home Mom (will write another post on that topic).  I hate that my not working is eating into my family’s limited safety net.

As I read through my post, I hear all the 'shoulds' and feel all the guilt.  I always say that guilt is a useless emotion, yet with myself I’m ok with it?  And I'm trying to see the positive in this experience...the greater life lesson.  I know the fates are pushing me in a new direction and I am listening, but the process is hard and upsetting.

Taking a deep breath, I resolve to truly take a break this week and enjoy the time that I would normally be working.  I am thankful that I can spend the time with my kids and will focus on that.  Next week, my search resumes in full force.

Filling Buckets While Driving

My Mom always taught me to drive defensively.  I interpreted that as assume everyone else on the road is going to do something stupid.  Assume they will not slow down, stop or let you merge.  Admittedly, this is a pessimistic way to view it, but it has kept me relatively free of accidents (knock wood).  As two teens in my house are about to start driving, I have already started parroting my Mother.  The other mantra I drill into them is simply to be nice to other drivers.  Don't be "that guy."

The other day, I was headed to Target for something very important (ok, I was just looking for a cute new top to wear that night).  I was trying to get into the turn lane, which depended on a bit of fancy maneuvering and the kindness of my fellow drivers to let me over.  Hopefully, I accelerated with my signal on, thinking someone would let me in.  But what did I get? A big jerk who sped up, wouldn't let me in and flipped me off.  Nice. 

Come to find out, the "big jerk" was a girl, maybe 20 or 25 years old.  Young and in the prime of her life -- what caused such anger, hostility and bitterness?  The 2 seconds it would have cost her to let me in, would have been rewarded with good karma and a big thank you wave.  Instead, she chose to empty my bucket.

The concept of bucket emptying and filling comes from a book I often read to my daughter, Have You Filled a Bucket Today: A Guide to Daily Happiness for Kids .  The book says that everyone has an emotional bucket that needs filling. By doing something nice for someone, you fill their bucket (and yours). By doing something nasty (like flipping them off) you empty their bucket.

Sadly, most of the drivers I encounter don't do much bucket filling.  Maybe it is me..or maybe it is just our society -- rushed, me-first and rude.  At what point did we become so negative and mean that we are just openly hostile to people we don't know?  I think email and texting have something to do with it.  Through these detached forms of communication, we don't have to truly interact.  It is easy -- too easy-- to be curt and mean in email, removed from the pain it might cause the other person.  Texts are random, quick thoughts that require very little sensitivity or eloquence.  And sometimes, we are just so caught up in our own moment, issues and priorities, that we don't think about how our actions impact or are perceived by others.

I'll admit it, in my twenties I may have been like the bucket-emptying flipper offer.  Then, one day at Union Station, I had a life-changing experience.  Tired and irritable, I was trying to get on an escalator.  Some teen girls were messing around, blocking the way, laughing and giggling.  I gave a big "humph" and scowled.  One of the girls said to her friends "hey, let this mean lady pass."  Oh Lord, they were referring to me.  To these girls, I was "that guy."  Nasty and intolerant.  The one people feel sorry for because he/she is so angry at the world. Since that day, I've tried to be nicer and more tolerant.  Tried to smile and realize that others are not out to get me and ruin my day.  Yes, I slip up, occasionally groan, even growl...but I try.  I try  to be nice.  And when another driver is trying to get over, I let them in.   

Have you filled a bucket today?

Stepping Out

I was not born with the dancing gene. Actually, let me re-phrase that...I was not born with the choreographed dancing gene. Take me to a club and I can boogie, but try to teach me actual steps and I will inevitably over think it, count out loud and stumble.

I've always wanted to be able to dance. I took classes in my youth, but realized quickly that I was not gifted like some of my friends. My inability as an adult likely stems from those early days and not wanting to look stupid. Even the macarena is a challenge and forget the electric slide. I watch shows like So You Think You Can Dance and Dancing with the Stars with such envy. Not only is the talent incredible, but when you factor in the short time frame they have to learn the choreography, I am just in awe. Seriously, I think that part of my brain is just missing.

Another limiting factor that I've realized through recent self-assessment, is my risk adverse nature. I tend to avoid situations that put me in physical or emotional jeopardy. I am determined to reverse that trend. Bob and I have often talked about wanting to learn how to dance, but have never acted on it. So for Bob's birthday I signed us up for dance classes at Arthur Murray in Ashburn. Although dance lessons aren't exactly super risky, they put me in an uncomfortable place...out of control and perhaps looking stupid. So for me, this was a baby step in the right direction.

Although Bob and I were both excited about the lesson, as the time grew closer to leave, we talked about bailing (aka chickening out). We both are creatures of habit and like to "hunker down" on weekends, watching TV and ordering in. I also think Bob shares my fear of looking like an idiot. But, I remembered my commitment to myself and encouraged us to still go. A glass of wine later, and we were on our way.

We arrived and met with our instructor, Tatiana. Her perky and positive demeanor was just what Bob and I needed. The three of us clicked. We learned the basics of foxtrot and swing, but at that point, the steps were inconsequential. This was about Bob and my connection -- something I had felt from the minute I met him and was still so clearly evident on the dance floor. We moved together with relative effortlessness. My trust in Bob allowed me to relinquish control and let him lead, which he did beautifully. Our eyes and frames were locked together. By the end of the lesson, we were both a little sweaty and my face hurt from smiling so much.

We walked out feeling energized, excited and connected. A better couple than when we walked in. We realized afterwards that it was one of the few times in recent memory where we were alone and could focus on just each other. We have two more lessons scheduled and I can't wait. I'm glad we went and took that risk...even if it was only a baby step.

A Sad Reminder

Last night, I was online catching up on emails and feeling sorry for myself. It had been a tough week -- lots of rejection and disappointment on the job front. While on Facebook, I noticed that a few of my old high school friends had become fans of the Liam J. Perk Foundation. Curious, I checked out the page and started seeing words like "memorial" and "our sweet angel." A pit formed in my stomach as I realized that something terrible had happened to this sweet little boy. I went on to read Liam's story, as recounted by his father, Joseph Perk --- on December 22, 2009 Liam had been bitten in the neck by their family dog and died.

I think my connection to Joe was our hometown, but honestly, my 30+ memory is failing me. Yet after reading his story, the connection was one of parenthood. Parents have this incredible responsibility and most of us have moments we wish we could take back. That time where we turned our back for just a minute or weren't quick enough. Ruby had one that I'll never forget. I had taken her to Baltimore Aquarium. She was about two years old and very independent, so she wanted to walk a few steps in front of me. I looked away for a second and before I knew it she was walking right into the path of an oncoming taxi. I screamed like I had never screamed before and thankfully she stopped, right as the taxi whizzed by.

I am not a crier, but when I hear stories of parents losing their children, the tears just flow. Tears for Liam's family - their loss, the second-guessing, the guilt, the unbearable sadness. How do you pick up the pieces? Tears for my daughter -- who I sometimes take for granted, who I always want to protect, who I cannot imagine the pain of losing. And this time, there were tears of guilt for feeling sorry for myself just because I lost my job. Have I not learned by now that life is short and that my current situation is just a blip on the radar? Have I not learned that there are others who have it so much worse? I felt ashamed and sad. I went into Ruby's room and was glad she was still awake. I hugged her long and hard, to which she said "Mom, you're choking me." After another few seconds, I let her go and said good night.

Part of Liam's family's mission is to educate the public on providing a "safe environment for children and dogs as a family." His story is a not-so-gentle reminder that dogs are still animals. I grew up with dogs and the thought that they might hurt or kill me never crossed my mind. However, when Ruby was born, my protective mama bear instincts kept her at arms length from our two chocolate labs. My Mom's words, "you can't trust a dog, any dog" rang in my ears. Even now, we have two dogs in our home, one I don't trust completely around Ruby. After reading about Liam, I will be even more watchful and cautious.

I am still saddened and speechless when I look at the pictures on Liam's page. I never met him, but his story moved me and reminded me to focus on the positive and count my blessings...for I have many.

I'm a Believer

I never believed in soulmates...until I met mine.

I met Bob in 2005 after both undergoing some very stressful, life-altering events. He lost his wife after 17 years of marriage. I had just divorced after ten years. He was raising his three teens alone and I was sharing custody of my two-year old.

We met on Match.com. He winked at me and there was something in his picture -- his kind eyes, or maybe his Naval uniform - that attracted me to him. A few dates and long drives back and forth between my town and his, and we both knew it was for keeps. We bought a house just eight months later. People said we were crazy, we probably were, but we knew we had found happiness.

Saying we are soulmates is corny and potentially disruptive since we both have children. If we are soulmates, what does that say about our previous relationships that spawned our children? Can you have more than one soulmate? In my marriage, I never felt the connection and understanding that I currently share with Bob, but maybe he did in his. I care not to dwell on those details. And yes, we have had our struggles...even soulmates can disagree. It isn't easy bringing families together or being separated by Naval obligations. Yet through it all, we have maintained that fundamental closeness.


Meeting Bob made me a believer in soulmates as well as a few other ideals I had previously questioned:

• White knights - Bob is chivalrous and protective
• Fate - millions of people are on Match.com and we found each other
• Honor - Bob is committed to the Navy and to his family
• Resiliency - Bob and his family have overcome the ultimate loss with grace and optimism
• Good guys - Bob is good, decent, honest and kind

What makes someone your soulmate? I would define it as feeling connected above and beyond the norm, like you've known each other all you life. Knowing what the other is thinking. Bob and I share a mental and physical energy. When we touch, it truly is electric and we often joke that our skin pH must have some sort of chemical balance. When we spoon, we just fit. Our personalities compliment each other, based in a strong foundation of similarities. Where we do differ, we make up for each other's shortcomings.

In the first year of our relationship, we had a few challenges. I had somehow contracted scabies and Bob was wonderful about it. He wasn't swayed or disgusted (I was). I also had to undergo minor surgery and remember coming to and being so comforted that Bob was there. The nurse commented that we were like "peas and carrots" and we beamed knowing that she was right. How neat that other people could see it too.

There is a book I often read to my daughter called "I Love You So..." by Marianne Richmond. It is narrated by a mother who is describing how she loves her child, but the last few pages sum up how I feel about Bob.

"I CAN'T IMAGINE life before YOU came along...me there singing senseless, no MEANING to my song. Call it MEANT TO BE or simply blessed fate, you fill my heart WITH LOVE...and for THAT I celebrate."

Happy Birthday to my other favorite Pisces.

The Day My World Changed

Seven years ago today, Ruby Rayne Gau was born. My world -- the world -- changed completely, for the better.

It was snowing, American Idol was on and my water broke. Twelve hours and a lot of pain later, my baby girl was placed on my chest. Nothing can describe that connection and feeling -- a combination of pure joy, relief and panic. Thankfully, Ruby was healthy and had all her fingers and toes, but now what?

That first night, Ruby and I were resting, when she started choking on phlegm from the birth canal. I panicked and didn't know what to do. I called the nurse, who came in, smacked her on the back and Rubes was fine. I, on the other hand, was not. I sobbed with tears of exhaustion and fear. How the hell was I going to raise a baby when I couldn't even handle this? My first lesson in vulnerability and parenting. Sometimes we don't know the solution and sometimes we have to reach out for help. But ultimately, we all survive.

I have always been convinced that Ruby is an old soul. At birth, she was at ease. Her eyes were soft and kind. As a baby, sleep came easily. Although we couldn't master breastfeeding, we found our way and getting her to eat was never a problem. She maneuvered through teething, crawling, walking and talking on schedule and with grace. School transitions and even divorce didn't throw her.

"Making the decision to have a child -- it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."-- Elizabeth Stone

Since her conception, my biggest fear has been that something will happen to Ruby. I worried that I would miscarry. I worried that she wouldn't be healthy. I worried about SIDS. I worried that she would fall down the stairs (which she did and was fine). Motherhood is a series of worries. However, with divorce and joint custody, I have had to suspend my worries and put trust in others to care for her. Talk about going against my natural instincts! So now, I pray (and I am not religious) for the angels to watch over her when I can't. I will always worry about her in a primal way, constantly and instinctively.

Ruby is an amazing, special and spoiled child and I truly like her. You are supposed to love your children, but I actually like Ruby. She is funny, sharp and loving. Every day, she wakes up in a great mood, smiling. I even got a thumbs up the other day.

I treasure the moments I have with my peanut, especially when I see her growing and maturing into a young woman. She is a Daddy's Girl and I envy her relationship with her father. Having had divorced parents myself, I am thrilled that she has such a strong connection with her Dad, yet it does sting at times. Her favorite color for a while was brown because she and Dad both had brown hair and eyes. Selfishly, I revel in our similarities -- loving stuffed animals, fractions and riding the bus. We are both uncomfortable being upside down (literally) and out of control (figuratively). Physically, she has my build, my mouth and nose. Sadly, she has my cavity prone teeth and crappy eyesight. We have our differences too...my girl doesn't like chocolate. How is that possible?

People have asked me if I am going to have more children. Um, no...why? Along with having three step-children who are incredible and amazing, I already have an almost perfect child. I would be testing fate by asking for another.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl. I love you truly, madly, deeply.